A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ...As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... Unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (...pause). 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (...pause). 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (...pause). 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!'

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'
Unknown "!" Peaceful - 16 years, 4 months, 8 days ago

10 Laws of Computing

If you have reached the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

When you are computing, if someone is watching, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

When the going gets tough, upgrade your computer.

The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.

He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
Unknown "!" Peaceful - 16 years, 4 months, 14 days ago

Two builders arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their carrier bags and began to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'

The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.

Unknown "!" Peaceful - 16 years, 4 months, 14 days ago

A Captain in the French Foreign Legion was transferred to a new desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens' barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".

The Sergeant replied "Well sir the fort is a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about six months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "Bring me the camel!!!"

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

Unknown "!" Peaceful - 16 years, 4 months, 15 days ago

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother.

"I was taking pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter.

The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears.

"Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out".

Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears.

"It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out."

"No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."


Unknown "!" Peaceful - 16 years, 4 months, 15 days ago