Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
It’s that time of the year again. September 1st officially marks the start of the Christmas season in our country. I just heard my first Christmas carol in Festival Mall earlier. I know I should be excited (Hey, it’s the only time aside from my birthday that I can demand gifts from everyone without sounding snotty) but deep inside I really feel sad. I don’t know there’s just something in the Christmas air that breaks my heart.
While other people are busy preparing their vacation plans or thinking of what to get for their loved ones, I actually dread the holidays. I find Christmas to be the most depressing time of the year. No, I’m not psychotic, I don’t have clinical depression, and I know that people (a very few, at least) still love me. I don’t know why the carols make me cringe. The worst would have to be “The Christmas Song” (I think). Anyway, it’s the one that goes, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…”. Whenever I hear that song, I want to stab myself in the heart (again, I’m not psychotic).
I’ve never had a bad Christmas really. Okay fine, I had a bad break-up a couple of years back but it’s not enough to have me traumatized. Besides, I’ve been experiencing this since I was a kid and the only break-up I’ve had was with my comfort pillow (don’t ask). Maybe I feel sad just because I miss a lot of people that should be spending Christmas with me.
First on the list would be my grandma. Yup, I’m a grandma’s boy. If you find me spoiled, selfish, and a complete brat, you now understand why. I always got what I wanted growing up. My grandma would buy me everything and let me do anything I want. As time passed though, I became more self-centered and forgot how much she loved me. Aside from the occasional hugs, I don’t think I was ever able to show her how much I loved her and appreciated her warmth and kindness. It’s sad to think that the person who was proud of me in whatever I did cannot see how successful (albeit mildly) I am now. I hate the cliché that she’s looking down at me from heaven because I so badly want her to be here to see how happy I am. I want her to be proud of me. I want her to be here so that I can show her how much I love her and this time I want to be the one to buy her everything and let her do anything that she wanted. ‘Nay Po, I love you very much. Stop preparing my place in heaven because I’ll most definitely go south of that place.
One other person I miss most is my friend Cocoy. She’s one of the few people whose life was taken much too early. If the basis for survival would be purity of heart and generosity, then she would have lived forever ( I wouldn’t have reached the age of 12, emphasis on purity). I miss the good old times when we just go out and do nothing. I listen to her talk all day on the phone while I watch my favorite shows. She’s the one who showed me the importance of watching movies on the first day so that you can avoid spoilers. We had great times together, even at one point agreeing to marry each other if we’re still single at the age of 30 (I blame My Best Friend’s Wedding). I’m not sad that I don’t have a fallback anymore, I’m sad that I lived longer than someone who should experience life and deserves it more. Maybe it’s because she’s endured a lot and she’s been a fighter up until the end. All I know is that I miss her terribly.
But back to the real world, I think I hear a Christmas jingle being played on the radio. And while everyone’s starting to prepare their Christmas plans and looking forward to the holidays, I sit in silence waiting for December to be over.
Merry Christmas everyone!!
Unknown "•bestie•" Inspired
- 16 years, 3 months, 26 days ago