I am not a graceful person. I am not a Sunday morning or a Friday sunset. I am a Tuesday 4am.I am gunshots muffled by a few city blocks. I am a broken window during February. My bones crack on a nightly basis. I fall from elegance with a dull thud. I apologize for my awkward sadness. Sometimes I believe that I don't belong around people, that I belong to all the leap days that didn't happen. The way light and darkness mix under my skin has become a storm you don't see the lightning but you hear the echoes.
I'm so lonely. The only human contact I get is the cab drivers, Doctors, nurses and pharmacist. I'm forty and cant do the things that make me, me...and give me the motivation to create and live. Now I don't even resemble myself, even if I did, I don't want to go anywhere, do anything but tinker in my studio. I tried having a friend and I act like I'm normal then I end up in bed for a month. Every breath I yearn to take, left alone in dark in the devils wake and games are wicked if your heart is at stake, if death is a promise,why wait? RayneDropz "Living dead girl"💗
- 13 days ago
It never ends, my friends. The "shoulder pain" I've had for years, is variant angina. Definitely the most pain I've experienced, but it's worst in the daytime...and my first attack in the day came. It goes into my shoulder, jaw, neck, back of throat and chest. In the middle of the night Im having episodes of uncontrollable shaking, freezing cold so bad that I need to go under the covers and breath my own breath, even then I just shake and cant move otherwise. What the fuck is happening? And please make it stop. I tried to make a friend and just end up breaking plans because I'm too unwell to get out of bed. Why bother trying? Its more stressful then my very lonesome existence. What did I do? Why am I being punished? This is not living and I forget what is so great about it. RayneDropz "Living dead girl"💗
- 26 days ago
Hello friends! I hope this finds you all well. I'm finally back and so happy. As some of you know I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis 8 months ago, In Feb half my face went numb, with drooping features, after optical neuralgia. Then my rheumatologist forgot to refill the prednisone that I've been on for 8 months..and after coming off 5mg cold turkey for 12 days, I almost died of adrenal crisis. Fun. When he finally did see me, I was sent for an EKG, echocardiogram, wore a holtor monitor for 72 hours, 45 min MRI of my spine at 2am on my Mums birthday (she insisted on coming, bless her, I'd be lost without her), 35 min MRI of my brain with contrast. They are trying to rule out MS. Sadly, it's the only thing that covers all the weird symptoms im having. I don't think it will be ruled out, but that's OK. My kitten Tilly turned one and has been here a year! I couldn't love her more. ps I forgot my password for five months 🤷♀️ RayneDropz "Living dead girl"💗
- 1 month, 27 days ago