FUNNIEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER Carla and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

@@@@@@@@@

Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lot to for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.


Irfan Ahmad Khan "Irfan" Playful - 15 years, 2 months, 21 days ago

10 Phrases Women Use

(1)Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five - 20 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

(10) I don't Know: This means it's none of your business.

Irfan Ahmad Khan "Irfan" Playful - 15 years, 2 months, 21 days ago

Five tips for a woman.....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other


Irfan Ahmad Khan "Irfan" Playful - 15 years, 7 months, 25 days ago

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tondisable= is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.


Irfan Ahmad Khan "Irfan" Playful - 15 years, 7 months, 25 days ago

Children's Thoughts on Love

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something,
but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
... Manuel, age 8

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too."
...Greg, age 8

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with
how you smell...that's why perfume and deodorant is so popular."
...Mae, age 9

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat.
French fries usually works for me."
... Bart, age 9

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention,
but attention ain't the same thing as love."
... Alonzo, age 9 "

When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down
and they don't get up for at least an hour."
... Wendy, age 8

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't
already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
...Anita, age 8

"I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it,
but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it."
...Michael, age 8

"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind ...
Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch."
... Natalie, age 9

"I'm not rushing into being in love.
I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
...Regina, age 10






Irfan Ahmad Khan "Irfan" Playful - 15 years, 7 months, 25 days ago