Are you tired of those piss weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cute little smiley faces on this card -- Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get pickled and plot revenge against the bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.

5.... When you are worried -- I will tell you stories about how much worse it could be until you stop whining.

6... When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.

7... When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will laugh at your clumsy backside, but I'll help you up.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;
because you are my friend.

Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.


Damo Ecstatic - 15 years, 10 months, 4 days ago

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge
says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad
news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first.'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks
what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a
couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that... so what's the other possible good news?'

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there
and pull her up again!'


Damo Ecstatic - 15 years, 10 months, 9 days ago

All it takes is practice!
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and Medicare paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.
"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

Damo Ecstatic - 15 years, 10 months, 23 days ago

A guy charged into a bank today wearing a balaclava and wielding a gun.
He made people lie down while he stuffed money into his bag.
As he tried to leave one brave guy ran at him, failed to overpower him, but did pull his balaclava off. The robber shot him.
He then shouted 'did anyone else see my face' most people looked down at the floor but one guy looked at him, so the robber shot him as well.
He then shouted 'did anyone else see my face' and after a short silence a voice was heard from a far corner 'I think my missus got a glimpse.... "



Damo Ecstatic - 15 years, 10 months, 23 days ago

Tale of the Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.


Damo Ecstatic - 15 years, 11 months, 2 days ago