To be plain again...

What an immeasurable gap there can be between two things so nearly alike...a simple thing, a drop of water on beloved skin...but add a shadow of salt, the merest touch, and this delight to be contemplated becomes a curse, a demon to be banished. I would that you, dear heart, could forever escape this leavening of sorrow, your shining untarnished by tragedies great and small - a treat to delight the heart needs no such seasoning.

I, too, wish to be plain again, though these spices bring out my nature . . . and when we are seasoned enough, are we then ready to be pulled from this place and offered up for the pleasure of some greater being?
Unknown "Sweet Drew " Peaceful - 16 years, 6 months, 20 days ago

Bars, alienation, and angst

I feel ignored, shut out of society...and if what I see in the bar is society, I'm not so sure that's a bad thing. I want to hack my hair off so I don't have to practically kill someone to break the ice, to start a conversation...it's so easy to talk to someone once you've gotten them to acknowledge you exist, but it seems no one wants to see someone who's different. I hear people say all the time that it's cool to be different, it's good to be different...but all that I see is the same old boring story. It's OK to be different as long as you're different in one of the pre-approved, carefully delineated ways in which everyone else is different, too...it's OK to be different as long as you're like us.

I'm not like anyone, I don't think. I don't know if I could be. Just when I think I have a lot in common with someone, I don't...or I don't want to.

Is it OK to admit that once in a while, I'm so terribly lonely I want to be like everyone else? Not even that...I wish I was like everyone else sometimes, but even then I can't bring myself to want to be. I wish...that I had never known what it is to be ... irreconcilably different.
Unknown "Sweet Drew " Peaceful - 16 years, 6 months, 20 days ago

Rain and religion

I'm a rain lover, and I have rather an admission to make. I want to dance in it, to run around until I'm drenched and laughing so that I can hardly breathe. It isn't much fun to do it alone though...and it's still a little bit cold for me out there. I was going to go for a wander in it today, but now that I'm done work, it's stopped. :-( I need a summer thunderstorm - raging wind, warm pouring rain, and bare feet squishing in the grass, daring the world to strike me dead with lightning, and breathing in the freshest air that ever there is, feeling as if the rain dissolves the boundary between me and the world until the wind, the trees, the earth beneath my feet are as much mine as my eyes and hands and heart beating with the thunder. Some people can't sleep when there's a thunderstorm because of the noise, or fear, or...I don't know, I can't sleep because the world is MINE to experience then, I feel so alive I couldn't bear to miss a second.

I am a very strange critter, animal me. I don't believe in God (except when I do), I don't believe in spirits or any of the forces behind the religions. Maybe it's silly, or shortsighted, but...there are already so many incredible things to believe in, when am I going to find the time, the room in my mind to believe in something I can't see or touch or hear, when I'm already overwhelmed by the things I do believe in...kittens, trees, lightning, computers, ants, dragons, the beauty and ugliness of humanity, the earth holding me close and pushing me away. [ OK, I only threw dragons in there to see if you were paying attention. ;-) ]

Sometimes, I do believe.
Unknown "Sweet Drew " Peaceful - 16 years, 6 months, 20 days ago

Darkness and light

When darkness is deepest, when small minds tremble, when that which cannot be borne becomes doubly and trebly worse, then this darkness takes on a life of its own, a hunger which cannot be quenched. Fear loses meaning when hope has been plucked from the sky and filled with outrageous fortune. My cells long for release from this delicate frame, beg to be freed from this prison, to flee on the wind or find refuge in the gentle wash of rain.

The light grows too bright, doubling and redoubling in your eyes, your lips, your hungry fingers reaching, reaching...but you do not know what it is you are reaching for. The light cuts, the light burns, the light makes us whole and breaks us beyond recovery...its fierceness is greater than the cold, inevitable hunger of death, its reach longer than eternity.

What is it that lies here, separating this light from this darkness? Never shall these two touch, for what destruction would then occur is beyond telling. Between this deepest darkness and fiercest light lies the source of all division, this source of terror unknowable...here be dragons, and the depths of the hearts of men.
Unknown "Sweet Drew " Peaceful - 16 years, 6 months, 20 days ago

Rationality and Emotion

There is something inherently tragic about intelligence; rationality carries within it the source of madness. The human animal is a frail thing to carry such a weight. The Damoclean aspect of rationality is that it is emotionally addictive...it is not a load easily surrendered, or shared. The conflict between emotion and rationality is a bitter one: rationality turns emotions against themselves, and emotions twist and crack rationality until it is perhaps worse than nothing at all. How, then, can one remain sane and happy trapped within a self divided?

There are times when the most trivial task is Herculean in effort; concentration fits like famine's rags after years of bountiful harvests. Rationality is built upon emotion...that is, one must first satisfy basic emotional needs to lay the foundation for precise, logical thought.

Who am I, at the core? I am greedy, and selfish, and altogether rather unpleasant. The pit between the person I am inside and the person I wish to be is dark and deep; no matter how much I try to fill it, the ground between here and there is too treacherous to make much headway.
What do I want? I want everything and nothing - or rather I want everything and deserve nothing. I want to be loved for who I am...many women say that they want to be loved for who they are, not what they look like. I want to be loved for who I am AND what I look like and because I am weak and fragile and altogether rather unpleasant.

I feel as though I am going nowhere and accomplishing nothing, but when I stop trying my own inertia seems to pull me along at breakneck speed; I have to start trying again lest I be dragged all unwilling forward.
Unknown "Sweet Drew " Peaceful - 16 years, 6 months, 20 days ago