Maybe I just shouldn't try to remove my own hair...
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The first thing you should know is that hair removal is not my friend. The particular talent of removing unwanted hair has eluded me and – dare I say – become both my identifying trademark and downfall (“Hey, you know that chick R?” “Oh, you mean that girl two towns over that gave herself a mullet when she tried to cut some bangs? No, I don’t know her. I’ve just heard.”) True story.
All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal – the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and now . . . The Wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet. I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom.
It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the background. No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be? I mean, I’m not the girly-est of girls but I’m mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. You’d think.
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It’s two strips facing each other, stuck together. I’m supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax (I’m guessing). I go one better: I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.) I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling in the world, but it wasn’t bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!
With my next wax strip, I move north.
After checking on R, Jr. and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming one with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.)
I inhale deeply. I brace myself.
RRRIIIIPPP!!!!
Unknown "Boots" Unwell
- 16 years, 9 months, 18 days ago
