LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL



A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Unknown "Mucha" Ornery - 16 years, 19 days ago

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on
Unknown "Mucha" Ornery - 16 years, 1 month, 4 days ago

A Push

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.He
rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning."

I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door.

It didn't take thehomeowner long to realize the man was drunk."

Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave,
that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke downin the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids
up from the baby-sitterand you had to knock on that man's house to get us started
again?

What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.

"It doesn't matter."says the wife.

"He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do."

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:"Hey,
do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
Unknown "Mucha" Ornery - 16 years, 3 months, 13 days ago

A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.

- A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.

- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

- A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

- To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.

- To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

- Women somehow deteriorate overnight.

- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

- A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.

- Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.

- Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

- A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

Unknown "Mucha" Ornery - 16 years, 3 months, 15 days ago

We've all heard about people having
guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed
below.

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out
with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom,
and having the guts to ask: 'Hi Honey, are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out
with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next,
fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the
definitions. Medically speaking, there is no
difference in the outcome, since both ultimately
result in death

Unknown "Mucha" Ornery - 16 years, 3 months, 15 days ago