My last post was on the 19th but it wasn’t on here. I have two sites with the same blog. I went out to the field on the 20th and returned the 22nd. While I was out there I was the Operations NCOIC. Military people understand that lingo. The entire time I thought about what had happened the past 2 weeks. I stayed up for alomst 48 hours until I crashed and burnned. I always wondered where my life would be if I hadn’t walked back into Candises’ life. That I stayed away. Where would she be living? Most likely the same place. Who would she be dating? I honestly think that she would be dating Paul. There’s so much there with the both of them. I don’t know why I look back and wondering on so many things that’s in the past. It’s like I wonder what the other out come might have been if things went another way. I really don’t intend to, it’s only when I don’t have anything to do while I’m here in Ft. Gordon. Now, you might be wondering if I’m having second thoughts about Candise and I. Maybe, if she might be better off with Paul? No and No. I love her and I want us to work out. At times when I tell her that I love her, she doesn’t say it back to me at all. Yeah, it does hurt me sometimes but like she said, she doesn’t have to say it all the time if I already know she loves me. The only thing is that what IF that would be the last time I get to talk to her on the phone because something happened to her after we hang up. No one in life knows when it could be that last time. I don’t want to have any regrets at all. Wishing that I had do something or something different when it’s too late. I could go back and change it from wrong to right. This is very difficult for me to talk about this. I haven’t been able to open up to anyone about somethings that I’ve been thinking about. Afraid on what they might think or even say. Am I jelous that Paul is at the house and spending time with Candise, the girl I want to marry? Hell yes I am because he’s doing the things with her that I should be doing with her as a boyfriend. I know that they’re friends and I understand that friends go to parties together and hang out. But hell I’m here doing the Active duty shit having to go back to the Animal House "A 447 Barracks" and deal with people that can be very stupid and start bull shit for no fucking reason at all. Drama outta the ass here and it does get annoying.I mean hell I have added on another 6 years of this shit but that was my choice. Rightnow, as I sit here in my bed typing this I’m crying. I’m in pain from my surgery on my right wrist, I think my left foot has a hairline fracture because it hurts like hell to walk, and I miss her so much. My family, friends, just being home. I feel like I’m back over seas but not doing what i did over there. Here it’s bull shit, drama, he said she said crap. The cadrea here treat over half of us like shit just because we’re students. Hell, rank don’t mean a damn thing at all. I might be an NCO but I feel like I’m being treated like a private. Like, yesterday when I cam outta the field with the people I was with we had to return our weapons. We stood outside for almost 2 hours until we were told what to do. Hell the person that was supose to take the weapons back didn’t even show up. Fuck, this is a communication post and the communication from one company/person to another is so fucked up it’s not even funny. Sometimes, I just want to drop what I’m doing and as fuck it. My mission can not be completed if the people in charge of me can’t even do a simple thing right. I want to quit but then I look at the reasons why I joined the military. I want to keep my country, hometown, friends, family, and the person I’m with safe. I don’t want my brother or sister do this when they’re older. I want them to put me in the ground, not the other way around. I’ve got so much on my plate having the keep my feelings and thoughts in check that way I don’t lose Candise. I don’t know what I honestly would do. I want her to be happy, granted I haven’t always been around her these past 9 years and that’s hurting me. Sometimes, I don’t know what she wants because I’m wondering if it’s the right choice I want to make for her when i want to do something special. She knows me inside and out. I wish I could say the samething for her. In the past I have cheated on some of my girlfriends. Now will I cheat on her? No, I won’t and I can’t. I will wait for her while I’m here on Ft. Gordon. I can’t bring myself to cheat on her because she has never done me wrong. Even in the past when we dated I never cheated on her. I have now moved outside where it’s very cold and the wind is blowing very hard. She’s on my mind 24/7 always wondering what she might be doing because I’m missing every waking moment of being with her. Like I have these past few years. I can’t stand not being able to hold her when i go to bed, kiss her before I go to sleep and wake up in the morning with her by my side. It’s now me getting up at 4AM everyday to do PT, formation, and now starting today, Monday, I start class. So it’s going to be me hitting the books so i can pass and get my ass home. There’s so much that I keep saying to myself, "She’s waiting for you! Don’t fuck up. She isn’t going to cheat on you because you haven’t given her a reason to." My past has been so haunting and I’m afraid that it’s never going to go away. That it’s going to be the same way with her but I keep that outta my mind because I want this so so so so badly. She hasn’t done any of the shit that my ex girlfriends have done to me. So I always keep that in mind. I only want the best for the both of us and I can’t make those types of decisions on my own. I have the ideas on what needs and has to be done but I need to inputs. This is a two lane highway and I’m all by myself. It has been hard for me to trust her but it’s getting better for me to. Now do I trust other people ummmm not even close. I thought I could trust people back home but I can’t. It’s hard for me because I know that people will talk to you and seem to be there for you when you have a time in need, but they won’t be there. They only care about theirself and if it doesn’t effect them, they don’t give a shit. They might listen to you when you tell them what’s going on, but in reality they just do that so it seems like they care. It’s been hard for me to trust most people because I get taken advantage of by those who seem to give a shit. I can’t run from it, it’s everywhere you go. Ever wonder what people are really like when you see them in public? A nice 5 person family that looks happy, but behind closed doors the husband beats his wife and the kids are caught in the middle. A wealthy person that looks like he has the world in the palm of his hands, turns out to be a drug dealer or what about a child offender. How people look on the outside covers who and what they really are in the real world. I can’t be taken likely to think that anyone I meet does like me as a friend and won’t stab me in the back the first chance they get. Maybe that’s why I’m so paranoid sometimes in a relationship. That goes for friends and someone I’m with. I know I have to give that person a chance and I do. just that the possibility is always there. I know in time Candise and I will get to that point in our relationship that I can trust her with anything and everything I give to her. What I tell her and what we do together. My trust for her is there but to that limit. I know she has that same limit with me. You can’t buy, trade, sale, or even find the level of love that I have for her. It runs deeper than any star in the sky that you could pick out. For when I say, "I Love You." it gets deeper into my heart everytime. That I’m fighting for her with everything that I do. I just wish I could get that same fight. So she can see and believe that I’m serious about us. What else is there I have to do to prove my love? What do I have to say?
Unknown "Prince Charming" Uncertain - 16 years, 9 months, 8 days ago

What is that one magical thing that will strike that nerve where she goes, "He is serious. He is the one for me." and not think twice about it? Not with anything I do or say. For time will tell me with everyday I talk to her and when I’m in her arms once again. To never let go of that chance and bond that I feel. Listen to my heart, it will tell you everything with each beat. I Love You
Unknown "Prince Charming" Uncertain - 16 years, 9 months, 8 days ago

19 March 2008
2110 Hours

I woke up in an okay mood, just I only got about 3 hours of sleep. I didn't do anything at all today. While i was in my room today on the net, i kept thinking about my girlfriend and wondering what has been going through head about everything that has happened. Does she think this relationship is worth the trouble? Should she just drop me and move on? I was looking at every picture I have of her and it hit me so hard.... I started to cry. I said to myself, "You're a fucking idiot! There's someone there in her life that would treat her so much better than what you have done. That would do anything for her and do anything to get her. Just let her go so she can truly be happy... he's better than you." For about 20 mins I wanted to do that but then something in my mind told me not to give up. You made that promise to her that you won't just let her go. That you will fight for her and not run out on her again. Look at that ring she gave you and tell me what does it say? "I'll never let you fall" That made me stop crying for a moment and I looked at this one and final chance that I have with her and I knew I couldn't give up. No matter what, I can't stop when things get bad. There's always going to be those days where everything seems to be going wrong, but if we don't give up and not just run away then it can make us stronger. Granted yes, this relationship has been really hard on me but I'm learning from my mistakes and changing things. I keep thinking about the end. How when I'm done here in school, I'll be going home to her. Maybe things will be okay then. I'm looking for a job that deals with my schooling so when I get done here, I can spend some time with her and then start work. There's still the sadness in me and the feelings that she'll never trust me though. That she's always going to have that dought in her mind about me. I hate it, but like I've said before. Time is all I have now, I can't make things happen. They can only fall into place without being forced there. How far is a peron willing to go to get that one special someone to be with them??? Not caring how or what they have to do for it come out good on thier end? This is something that's always on my mind. My questions will be answered. There's only one final question to be asked. Who going to give me that answer? Who knows.......
Unknown "Prince Charming" Uncertain - 16 years, 9 months, 12 days ago

18 March 2008
1400

The past few hours have been the darkest hours in my life. Knowing that in any second that I could lose the best thing that has happened to me. It all started nine years ago when I first met her and when I seen that smile, those eyes, and that look in her face.....she had me at hello. We had broke up, I left my hometown and her to. I hated myself for so long for doing that. I looked up at the stars wishing that i could be with her again. While I was there I talked about her and thought about her, no matter who I was with. There were many times that when I went back home for vacation from school, she would call me. Many days I was mad at her. Honestly, rightnow I couldn't tell you why. She called me on my birthday one time to wish me a happy birthday, and I yelled at her. To never call me again and just to leave me alone. I don't kow why...... Many times I think I did that is because i couldn't have her. I lived many miles from her and knew that it couldn't be. I come back for my last 2 years of high school, I didn't know how she was doing until I we ran into each other again. I remembered how that felt. Knowing she's back. But the woman I was with didn't like her and yet again I did her wrong. I made a deal that i couldn't talk to her if she didn't talk to this one guy. I turned my back on a close friend that was special to me. I went to Iraq for 14 months in 2005. When I came home my whole world came crashing down. My fiance at the time broke up with me for someone else that day i got home. Those next 6 to 8 months was the worst months ever. I drank everyday to the point where sometimes I didn't remember what happened. I bascially had a mental breakdown. i didn't care about anyone or their feelings. All i wanted to do was do what I wanted to. One night I called her because I needed someone to talk to. We talked on the phone and then I asked her to come over. that night I just need someone to hold me or me hold them. I needed that feeling of protection, comfort, and security. That was something that was missing in my life at that time. We ended up doing something I really didn't intend on happening. We kept in contact and talked. At the same time I was seeing someone else. So fucking wrong on my part. I was raised never to do anything like that, and yet I can't believe I did what i did. I took her feelings and just ran all over them. We really didn't talk for about a year after what happened. I ran into her aunt at the club where I worked at and she told me to call her, that i really needed to. I wasn't going to but I always wondered how she was. What was new in her life, what all changed, things like that. So I did call her that night and I ended up going to her appartment. It was so odd being there in front of her again. I really didn't know what to say or do. I was so nervous. No, nothing happened at all. We just talked. It felt so great to see her face to face and know she was right there in front of me. After that night we still talked every once in awhile. Before I would go into work at the club we would go to Whataburger and eat there. I felt so alive when I was around her. Days pasted and I tried not to have any feelings grow for her but it happened. I tried to hide them from her but I think she knew better. Then one night, I asked her out and she said yes. I had the biggest smile on my face. In the beginning everything was great for the first 2 to 3 months. But then things started to get really go down hill. One of her friends moved in as a roommate, and yes I didn't like the idea but I needed to give the guy a chance. I knew him for a festival, he helped me out there. She told me about their past and I was okay with it. Till i started to feel like he was getting really strong feelings for her. I got jelous and protective. In Decmber, I had to leave for 2 weeks for active duty trainning. He wasn't moved in yet. While I was gone I got that bug. What if this and what if that. I hate getting that damn thing. I came back home and I Jan I had to come here to Ft. Gordon for school which is 19 weeks long. He moved in and I felt like I was getting replaced. Knowing that there's another man in your home and you're 6 hours away, I didn't like that feeling. I know I still have a problem from what happened to me last time. i shouldn't hold that over her head because she didn't do that to me. She doesn't deserve to be held to that line of, "what if she's doing this with him?" In January I had planned on getting a ring to ask her to marry me. That month I had been talking to 2 friends. People that have known me for a long time, I joke around, maybe more than I should. But I said somethings to these friends of mine and they knew that I was joking and they were to.She seen what we talked about and it really upset her. She feels like that I basically cheated on her, not physicaly but by chat. I've been thinking of everything that has been said to me from her and....... she's right. I've one her wrong and the only thing I know to do is let time pass to see where it leads me. I stoped talking to the both of my friends and I'm not going to be suck a joker with my friends as much. I want to be with her more than ever. I know what must happen and be done. I just hope it's not too late. It's going to be a long time till I think she's ever going to believe anything I say or tell her. These next 5 months is going to be the deciding factor for us. Maybe I can get this mess fixed to where we can be a couple, and move on to better things. I just know that there's so much I have to do. If the in the end we part in our own direction, I'm always going to Love her. I Love her still as i sit here and type this. Everyday there will be a tale. If you read this sweetie, I sorry for hurting you all these years and now. I'm going to be changing a lot of things. If not, then who ever reads this I hope you learn a lesson from me. I end with, if you love someone and you want to be with them, there are somethings you might have to give up in your life to be with them. Friends, work, etc. It all depends on what it is. Until next time.

	my artist - my title

Unknown "Prince Charming" Uncertain - 16 years, 9 months, 13 days ago

I've done many wrong things in my life but this is something that I NEVER intended to do. I never ment for any of this to happen at all. I can't get things right in my life. I've been holding on hope for these past months and been happy in the process. But now things have went too far. I don't know if they can be fixed. I'm sitting here scared, cold, wet, and crying. Looking back on the things I've done to her....... I can't believe What I've Done. So, tonight, I set things right. No longer will I do this to her anymore........ ever.
Unknown "Prince Charming" Uncertain - 16 years, 9 months, 14 days ago