Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?


SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
Unknown "Venus" Cheeky - 15 years, 5 months, 29 days ago

I'm inna mood again.. thought I'd share this.. kids. =)

Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be Shakespearean play.
The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden...I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."
The second little boy was to reply by saying,"Hark, a pistol shot!"
Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.
The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words..."My fair maiden!. . .I have come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap."
The second boy screams out..."Hark! A shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, bull shit...I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway..."
The audience left howling.
Unknown "Venus" Cheeky - 15 years, 11 months, 29 days ago

k.. perhaps It's late.. or should I say early? I thought this was a funny way to look at a bad day.. Hope you all have a good one!!! LOL

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"
Unknown "Venus" Cheeky - 16 years, 19 days ago

I stole this from Rachel Mclaughlin... thanks a mill, girl! Love the lyrics.

For Good----Wicked
I've heard it said
that people come into our lives
for a reason...bringing something we must learn
and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return

Well, I don't know if I believe thats true
but I know I'm who I am today
because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
but because I knew you

I have been changed for good

It well may be
that we will never meet again
in this lifetime so
let me say before we part
that all of me
is made from what I learned from you

You'll be with me
like a hand print on my heart

And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have rewritten mine
by being my friend

Like a ship blown from its mooring
by a wind off the sea
like a seed dropped by a skybird
in a distant wood
who can say if I've been changed for the better

because I knew you
because I knew you

I have been changed for good
and just to clear the air I
ask forgiveness
for all you've blamed
but then I guess we know there's blame to share
and none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit
(like a ship blown from its mooring, by a wind off the sea)
as it passes a sun
( like a seed dropped by a skybird in a distant wood)
like a steam that meets a boulder halfway through the wood

Who can say
if I've been changed for the better
I do believe I have been changed for the better, and.. because I knew you... because I knew you
I have been changed,.. For Good
[these lyrics are found on http://www.songlyrics.com]
Unknown "Venus" Cheeky - 16 years, 19 days ago

This is sometimes what I come back to after I've found a fabulous parking spot... hmmm..
Unknown "Venus" Cheeky - 16 years, 19 days ago