Darwin Awards
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man 20 attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying, that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family...unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
*** Remember... They walk among us!!!




Pagan Priestess "Solstice Bride" Sleepy - 15 years, 8 months, 24 days ago

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1.. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

Pagan Priestess "Solstice Bride" Sleepy - 16 years, 3 months, 28 days ago

I know this is an American verse, but it's still true for those of us in England Britain (the Great went out some 30-40 years ago), as our government wants to tax us to the hilt.

TAX HIS LAND,
TAX HIS BED,
TAX THE TABLE
AT WHICH HE'S FED.


TAX HIS TRACTOR,
TAX HIS MULE,
TEACH HIM, TAXES
ARE THE RULE.


TAX HIS COW,
TAX HIS GOAT,
TAX HIS PANTS,
TAX HIS COAT.


TAX HIS TIES,
TAX HIS SHIRT,
TAX HIS WORK,
TAX HIS DIRT.


TAX HIS TOBACCO,
TAX HIS DRINK,
TAX HIM IF HE
TRIES TO THINK.


TAX HIS CIGARS,
TAX HIS BEERS,
IF HE CRIES, THEN
TAX HIS TEARS.


TAX HIS CAR,
TAX HIS GAS,
FIND OTHER WAYS
TO TAX HIS ASS!

TAX ALL HE HAS,
THEN LET HIM KNOW,
THAT YOU WON'T BE DONE
TILL HE HAS NO DOUGH.


WHEN HE SCREAMS AND HOLLERS,
THEN, TAX HIM SOME MORE,
TAX HIM TILL
HE'S GOOD AND SORE.


THEN TAX HIS COFFIN ,
TAX HIS GRAVE,
TAX THE SOD IN
WHICH HE'S LAID.

PUT THESE WORDS
UPON HIS TOMB,
" TAXES DROVE ME TO MY DOOM..."

WHEN HE'S GONE,
DO NOT RELAX,
ITS TIME TO APPLY
THE INHERITANCE TAX.


ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE TAX
BUILDING PERMIT TAX
CDL LICENSE TAX
CIGARETTE TAX
CORPORATE INCOME TAX
DOG LICENSE TAX
EXCISE TAXES
FEDERAL INCOME TAX
FEDERAL UNEMPLOYMENT TAX (FUTA)
FISHING LICENCE TAX
FOOD LICENCE TAX
FUEL PERMIT TAX
GASOLINE TAXES (?? CENTS PER GALLON)
GROSS RECEIPTS TAX
HUN TING LICENCE TAX
INHERITANCE TAX
INVENTORY TAX

IRS INTEREST CHARGES IRS PENALTIES (TAX ON TOP OF TAX) LIQUOR TAX LUXURY TAXES MARRIAGE LICENCE TAX MEDICARE TAX PERSONAL PROPERTY TAX PROPERTY TAX REAL ESTATE TAX SERVICE CHARGE TAX SOCIAL SECURITY TAX ROAD USAGE TAX SALES TAX RECREATIONAL VEHICLE TAX SCHOOL TAX STATE INCOME TAX STATE UNEMPLOYMENT TAX (SUTA) TELEPHONE FEDERAL EXCISE TAX TELEPHONE FEDERAL UNIVERSAL SERVICE FEE TAX TELEPHONE FEDERAL, STATE AND LOCAL SURCHARGE TAXES TELEPHONE MINIMUM USAGE SURCHARGE TAX TELEPHONE RECURRING AND NON-RECURRING CHARGES TAX TELEPHONE STATE AND LOCAL TAX TELEPHONE USAGE CHARGE TAX UTILITY TAXES VEHICLE LICENCE REGISTRATION TAX VEHICLE SALES TAX WATERCRAFT REGISTRATION TAX WELL PERMIT TAX WORKERS COMPENSATION TAX

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
NOT ONE OF THESE TAXES EXISTED 100 YEARS AGO, AND OUR NATION WAS THE MOST PROSPEROUS IN THE WORLD.



WE HAD ABSOLUTELY NO NATIONAL DEBT, HAD THE LARGEST MIDDLE CLASS IN THE WORLD, AND MOM STAYED HOME TO RAISE HER KIDS.


WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?
Pagan Priestess "Solstice Bride" Sleepy - 16 years, 4 months, 4 days ago

OMG!!!!! this is funny!! but also kinda sad!!!!! coz there really are people like this!!!!

She called me to get my phone number!!!

she spent 20 mins looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"!!

she put lipstick on her forehead..because she wanted to "make up" her mind

she' tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!!

she sent me a fax with a stamp on it

she tried to drown a fish

she thought a quarterback was a refund

she tripped over a cordless phone

she studied for a blood test

when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home..she moved!

when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home!!!
Pagan Priestess "Solstice Bride" Sleepy - 16 years, 4 months, 25 days ago

BEING BRITISH!!!!!!!!

> > Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
> > Belgian beer, whilst travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
> > Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch
> > American shows on a Japanese TV.


> >
> > And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!
> >
> > Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an
> > ambulance.


> >
> > Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to
> > the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people
> > can buy cigarettes at the front.


> >
> > Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and
> > a DIET coke.


> >
> > Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to
> > the counters.


> >
> > Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the
> > drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.


> >
> > Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
> > have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
> > to talk to in the first place.


> >
> > Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a
> > skating rink.


> >
> > NOT TO MENTION...
> >
> > 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.


> >
> >
> > 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new
> > shirts.


> >
> > 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
> > screwdrivers.


> >
> > 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while
> > the fairy lights were plugged in.


> >
> > 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
> > decorations were chocolate.


> >
> > British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas
> > cracker-pulling accidents.


> >
> > 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
> > cigarette in their mouth.


> >
> > A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after
> > trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.


> >
> > 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control
> > Scalextric cars.


> >
> > And finally...
> >
> > In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls
> > incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.


> >
> > If you're proud to be British, send this on!

Pagan Priestess "Solstice Bride" Sleepy - 16 years, 7 months, 16 days ago