I got married once, a long time ago. I didn't really want to, but she cried. I won't make that mistake again... giving in to tears that is.

We loaded up the Winny the Pooh minivan and headed off for Vegas. There was myself, my fiance and her sister, my future mother in law and, of course, Elaine, the dwarf. It was only natural that I do the driving for the 24 hour long journey, after all, I was still recovering from my stag party the night before, and clearly needed to be punished.

I crossed the border and looked down to set the van's cruise control at a "cop safe" 75 mph, looking up in time to see the deer carcass in the middle of my lane. No time to swerve, I lined the wheels up to go over as much as I could. The skull of the animal made a sickening thud on the gas tank, jostling all of the van's occupants.

I pulled over at the next service station to inspect the van for damage. It seemed mechanically fine, but a large quantity of deer meat was now cooking on the exhaust, leaving an almost unbearable stench. I drug pieces of that deer through five states, all the way down US interstate 15 to Vegas... the odor only catching up to us when we stopped for fuel or food.

We arrived on the strip and checked into the hotel. I had now been awake for something in the neighborhood of 48 hours, and all I wanted to do was sleep, but the rest of the entourage thought we'd need supplies for our stay. Cigarettes and beer were the biggest requests. Being the only non gambler of the group, it was democratically decided that I should be the one to retrieve these items. I went out in search of a convenience store.

If you've never been to gangland in north Vegas, you should know that it's important to enter in style, the style I chose was Winny the Pooh. When I say Winny the Pooh Mini van, you may not understand the image. This van, belonging to my fiance's sister, was a white 1992 Dodge Caravan. Winny was on stickers on the windows, the steering wheel cover featured the cartoon bear, as did the seat belts. There were Winny the Pooh seat covers and, most embarrassingly, a Winny the Pooh mural on the hood. A white man driving this tribute to childhood into gangland gets noticed.

I eventually found a 7-11 and parked. As I was heading in I encountered a gangster type. Pants hanging low, flat brimmed hat on backwards. I ignored him as I proceeded towards the entrance. From behind me I hear "Yo Homey... Wanna buy some crack?"
I stopped in my tracks. What did he ask me? I turned around, looked him in the eye and began poking his chest as I shouted "What on earth, would make you think, that I would want to buy CRACK?" He hesitated, but then began arguing with me, becoming more aggressive. I argued back, refusing to be intimidated. Then, from out of nowhere, there it was. A colt model 1911 barrel pointing at my eye. I could see the reflection of the 7-11 sign in the chrome plating of the weapon.

WHAT WAS THIS MAN THINKING? I must have overlooked some nuance of the culture in this strange land. In Canada, there is generally a large amount of physical brutality involved prior to the introduction of firearms. Did this man not know the rules? He was skipping entire steps! Steps which are integral to the entire altercation!

No longer understanding the rules of this game, I bravely retreated to my Winny the Pooh Minivan, and returned to the Hotel, leaving behind nothing but the sick odor of burning deer.

The wedding itself took place at the little white chapel, located right on the strip. The sign tells me that Michael Jordan was married there, and Elizabeth Taylor. Brittany Spears would also be married here, but that's not important now. The inner chapel was occupied by a drunk and a prostitute taking their nuptials, we would have to be married outside, beside the drive through. The ceremony went without a hitch, and as we were being photographed outside of the chapel, a familiar man strode up to us, and waited patiently for the final shot to be taken by my Mother in law.

"Diane" I said, getting her attention "Make it swift, you're holding up the King"
"Thank you, thank you very much" he mumbled as he made his way past.

The trip home was relatively uneventful, mostly made up of discussions of how much money all the gamblers in the group had won, making me wonder how I could possibly be the only one with any money for gas on the entire trip home.

Ten months later, I began divorce proceedings... but that's another story.


Unknown "*Superman*" Naughty - 16 years, 1 month ago

I met you again in a dream last night,
Lost in the blackness,
A chance encounter,
Destiny or destruction,
A soul swirls into the ether,
Followed by another,
A devastating dance,
A continual cataclysm,
An unending orgasm...
I met you again,
In a dream last night.
Unknown "*Superman*" Naughty - 16 years, 1 month, 2 days ago

Unknown "*Superman*" Naughty - 16 years, 1 month, 2 days ago

Unknown "*Superman*" Naughty - 16 years, 1 month, 10 days ago

Unknown "*Superman*" Naughty - 16 years, 1 month, 27 days ago