I'm tired.

I don't even mean physically tired, although occasionally inability to sleep does factor in to it. I try my hardest to remain an optimistic person most of the time. I do it for my own sake, for the sake of the people who worry about me, and for the sake of people who depend on me. But why does it have to be so damn hard all the time?

I hate to be alone. I'm not saying that I particularly enjoy being around a ton of people, but I can't be happy without fairly frequent company of a few good friends. Unfortunately, the college town atmosphere is not lending itself particularly well, especially with myself being currently unable to afford to go back to University. Strange, there are just too many people looking for only a night of fun and not enough actually looking for a meaningful relationship here. If I wanted to I could go home with a different girl every Sunday (and did for a little while), but I would gladly trade that for a single meaningful relationship. The constant state of being alone, aided by the fact that any friends I do make generally do not live here with any kind of stability (college students tend to head back home after they finish), are burning me out.

And in addition, those close relationships that I have developed with the good friends I do have are becoming strained. I don't let anyone see it if I can help it, but it's slowly becoming all too apparent. No one ever seems to just have time to talk or do anything. Maybe I'm just being overly stressed about this, but I have always believed that friends make time for one another. It's hard to maintain a friendship when you never get to interact with that friend.

And then there's life in general; and as the problems in life generally do, everything comes down to money. It doesn't matter how close I seem to be coming to actual legitimate financial stability, something always happens to disrupt that. In the last few weeks alone, both mine and my brother's (my roommate) cars have needed expensive repairs, leaving neither of us with a vehicle. In addition, AES has decided to raise the minimum payments on my student loan, which makes paying bills every month just that much harder. My job is terrible but I can't afford to get a new one and start back at base wages (I've been working here three years). And of course finally there's the recent death of my grandmother also weighing heavy on my mind.

It feels as though I work damn hard, I try my best to be as good a person and as good a friend as I can be, I bust my ass to save up money so I can at least reach stability, and eventually so that I can go back to school since I'll be doing it without the aid of grants, and yet nothing is achieving any results. Nothing seems to be worth the trouble, and I'm getting really close to just shutting down. I don't want to become the emotionless robot that I was for my first semester of college. I don't want to give up and just go back to being introverted, cynical and generally just existing for the sake of existing. The problem is, it becomes increasingly harder every day to keep that part of my personality from resurfacing.

I need help being strong, because I'm not sure that I can do it on my own anymore.
Unknown "Psych Cutie" Sleepy - 16 years, 10 months, 7 days ago