How about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass
Unknown "Pretty Kitty" Ferocious - 16 years, 5 months, 24 days ago

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll
mail you a check ." "Oh, by the way, don't worry about my dog Spike. He
won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,
talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as
she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go
about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"


To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"



See - Men just don't listen!
Unknown "Pretty Kitty" Ferocious - 16 years, 5 months, 24 days ago

For everyone tired of the standard keyboard symbols that show expressions (like :) or :( ) I have had the following come to my attention.

BREASTS - Finally something besides smiley faces

( o )( o ) Perfect breasts

( + ) ( + ) Fake silicone breasts

( * )( * ) Breasts with high nipples

( @ )( @ ) Large nippled breasts

oo 'A' cups

{ O } { O } 'D' Cups

( oYo ) Wonder Bra breasts

( ^ ) ( ^ ) Cold breasts

( o ) ( O ) Lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) Pierced breast

( p )( p ) Breasts with hanging tassels

\o/\o/ Very old breasts

( - )( - ) Breasts against the shower door

( $ ) ( $ ) Jenny McCarthy's breasts
Unknown "Pretty Kitty" Ferocious - 16 years, 5 months, 24 days ago

Some important facts that you need to know.....

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart! creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death! .

(Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)
Unknown "Pretty Kitty" Ferocious - 16 years, 5 months, 24 days ago

CANADIAN COFFEE

A Newfoundland woman "of a certain age ", visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor.

"Oh, no, doctor, I couldn't do dat," she said.

"He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor.

"Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went"

It wasn't a week later, that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh jaysus, mary and joseph, doctor, twas horrid. Just terrible!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did like you said and slipped it into his coffee. Lard de effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging something fierce! With one swoop of his arm he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and then, lard tunderin jaysus, didn't he take me right then and there,making wild, mad passionate love to me on the tabletop!

It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

"Why so terrible?", asked the doctor.

"Do you mean the sex was not good?"

" No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed,

'twas the best sex I had in 25 years. But, I'll never be able to show me face in Tim Horton's ever again!"
Unknown "Pretty Kitty" Ferocious - 16 years, 9 months, 18 days ago