I Like Monkeys


The pet store was selling them for 5¢ a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys

Unknown "Silver" Serene - 16 years, 12 months, 3 days ago

It seems whenever my best friend and my uncle and I get together some crazy disaster is going to happen. This one starts as we are planning to go fishing. Funny this story does not involve alcohol.

We Stopped at the grocery store on the way to the lake to pick up some food, and worms. It was a small town after all. I talk Jim (by Buddy) into getting in a shopping cart and letting me push him around.

It was fun and of course eventually I wreck him into the sidewalk. So now it is my turn for a fun ride. We have the cart on the sidewalk now, and and are just zipping along. My uncle is a good clip ahead of us, and he opens a store door, (to a woman's clothing store no less) and before I can even scream nooooooooo!!!!!

I and the cart are ripping through this ladies store, and clothes are flying left and right. It was a really small store, and I totally demolished it. As I pick myself up from the ground, I say "hello Ladies", and tip my hat.

How we were not arrested is beyond me
Unknown "Silver" Serene - 17 years, 16 days ago

Cinco De Mayo, Jumping Chola, and The Desert


I would say ten or maybe 12 years ago I was living in Tucson Arizona. We were about an hour and half or so from the border town of Nogales, Mexico.

Nogie we called it. My buddy and I decided to go there to celebrate Cinco De Mayo. We parked on the state side as we always did when going to Nogie. We then walked across. It was me, and my buddy, and this girl I was trying to get with.

We went to Mr. Amigos, a moderatly famous party club. That night, it cost ten dollars for all you could drink in honor of Cinco De Mayo. We went to the upstairs balcony and started to get to drankin. We were so thirsty that night.

This girl I was trying to get with was playing me and buddy against each other, she was an attention whore. After about 6 drinks, I was like you can have her. What was I thinking the club was full of Beautiful Mexican women, and few American ones as well.

I left them to it, and went down to get another drink. After a few body shots, and even some more tequila (tokillya) I found myself on top of the bar dancing with several hotties. That is one of the things the bar was famous for dancing on this 6' foot bar.

Obviously I had been drinking a good amount, because not that I mind dancing, I can't imagine doing it on top of a bar. There I was larger then life, and loving it though.

Meanwhile, the two I came with were up on the balcony fighting. As I jump off the bar, and bump my butt on the ground, I noticed that the dude is getting dragged out of the club by two big bouncers, and then thrown into the street.

He just can't hold his liquor I guess. The girl came and pulled me away from this other girl I was hanging out with. To tell me he was out there waiting for us. I went out and he was passed out on the side walk, I helped sit him up and told him to wait for me.

I went back in to explain to the girl I was playing with, then I went to get him so we could go. He was gone, so I said cool more booze for me.

Eventually the place closes, and me and the girl I came with walk back to our car. My buddy broke in and is passed out in the back. Someone had stolen his wallet and shoes. That is what he gets for being a cock blocker.

So off we go to drive back home. I am not seeing double I am seeing triple, and had no business driving, let alone all the way back to Tucson. I was still pissed at both of them, and highly impaired.

I look at the gas gauge, and wouldn't you know? That's right we were nearly on E. This highway is just desert on both sides for miles and miles at a time.

Sure enough, we run out of gas. Wait. What do I see? A gas station not a mile away, if I cut through the desert, which also happened to be an Indian Reservation. I get the gas can, and am still drunk enough to think it will be alright to traipse across the desert, in the middle of the night.

So here I am walking through the desert, and it is really dark, I can barely see a few feet ahead of me. They have a cactus called Cholo, or the jumping cactus. You get close to it, and the next thing you know, you have this big cactus fruit full of spines stuck in you.

I am walking along, I hear a coyote howling in the distance. At this point I am certain that it is following me. I am also sure that I am being tracked by an Indian who wants to scalp me for trespassing, and being a white devil who stole his land.

I am stumbling toward the light from the gas station sign, hoping to make it before I am bitten by a rattlesnake, or eaten by that coyote. I am begining to sober up now. I trip, and start rolling down a hill. I just landed in the jumping cactus.

OUCH! this cactus does not mess around, I have the stickers in my ball sack, two on my face, on my back, my ass, my belly, and my legs. I had about 12 or 13 all over me.

Now I am sober, and man does this hurt. The cactus when it punctures your skin begins to swell. So it is like pulling out small, bu
Unknown "Silver" Serene - 17 years, 20 days ago

Cacique Guaro, anyone familar with Costa Rica will know exactly what I am talking about. For those of you who are not, well Guaro is a local liqour that tastes like a watered down vodka.

The Urban legend behind Guaro is as follows: many years ago the Guaro Indians began making this quite powerful yet, delicate tasting alcohol. It was made from sugarcane, and was extremly inexpenise to distill.

The only problem was people were going blind from drinking it. The Costa Rican goverment being progressive knew that it's citizens were going to continue to drink, so they decided to subsidized and regulate the production of Guaro.

Cacique then began to produce a lesser volotile version of it, for mere pennies an oz. The Guaro is the local drink to this day, it is quite powerful, and quite tasty when mixed properly.

However, if you think the art of moonshine died when the government took over Guaro production you are crazy. No, even to this day people have stills, and produce the old, more potent Guaro.

This is from my personal experience with the moonshine Guaro, that we called Tico Tequila. I was working, and the guy in the restaraunt next door had just gotten him some. So he pours me a water glass filled nearly to the brim with it, and says for me to drink it with him.

Now I love drinking. So of course I was up to the challenge. I prefer to mix my drinks, but he said "No, this is the way we drink it." So me being well me, I did it.

It went down smooth, tasting like a weak tequila. Alright I can handle this I think, and go back to work. 20 minutes later I am called out for another glass. So I figured hey it's free, it is gonna save me some money after work when I go to the bar. So giddy up, I am drankin!

Still feel alright, nothing special. I go back to work, check some people out, help them print some shit whatever. It is getting close to closing, so he calls me out yet again. I am starting to feel a little something.

We do it one more time. I am sitting at the table it is like 5 mins to close, and no one is there, so we are just bull shitting and laughing. All of a sudden I felt like I had just drank a bottle of booze.

I felt tall, and hot, and dizzy, and baaad oh so bad. Since it was so late I went to the cafe, grabbed every colone in the joint, and locked it up. I forgot to turn off the lights, or disconnect the internet, or shut anything off at all.

I started to walk to the bar, and hang out as I did every night. About 20 paces into it, I decided wow, am I ever tired. I decided that it might be a good idea to lay day and take a nap.

This was in the middle of the street. I took off my shirt, and rolled it up into a pillow, and konked out. The next day I wake up in my bed, but my glasses are lost, and I am feeling like I am death warmed over.

I roll into work, and everyone is laughing, it turns out my "friend" that was drinking with me, was only drinking water. What a bastard.


Unknown "Silver" Serene - 17 years, 20 days ago