I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and if anything I've just become very confused about a lot of things, and apathetic about others.
I'll begin with reflecting on my actions over the past week. I seem to have a talent for pissing other people off and pushing them away from me. Last week I lashed out at a couple people on a web forum that I'm a member of and at the time I believed that my actions were justified,. I'm still a bit peeved at how I was spoken to by those people, but in retrospect I did overreact quite a lot. The reason for my sudden being the fact that I was once again being spoken to by those people as if I was inferior to them, I was being spoken down to. I have yet to find anything that enrages me more than that.
After thinking about it I've also realised that I was also feeling immense frustration over the fact that nobody thought to say “Don't speak to him like that.” or “Have some respect for your fellow man.” such things as that. Although at the time I didn't know exactly what I was feeling, and explained my feelings very vaguely. I said “I never get any support.” and “I never get listened to” this was misunderstood by the others, who thought I meant my thoughts and feelings regarding the group I'm in never get any consideration, which is wrong because I had previously influenced change in the group through expressing my thoughts and feelings. I made some enemies through expressing them and I'm not really proud of that. It's clear to me that the people who became my “enemies” would never actually admit it publicly. This also bothered me and contributed to my rage and frustration.
This is where I begin to second guess myself, I ask myself, “Do they really need to admit it publicly?” “Was I wrong to be so angry?” Which also brings me to doubt my whole being and question my values and beliefs. This is because I try to only act on what I feel is right. I'm true to my thoughts and feelings and I believe it is a good thing to be honest with such things.
Another recent incident which had me thinking about a lot of things, mostly friendship, happened roughly two weeks ago. I was at a gig with a friend of mine, It was an Irish folk band so there was a large crowd of people dancing and jumping around in close proximity to one another. I thought I would give it a try seeing as I didn't at the previous gig. So I did try, and I was enjoying it to begin with, when there was more room, but it got to the point where I could hardly move and I was being pushed into other people by the group. My friend told me just to push back, but I'm really not a very physical person and I don't find being pushed and pushing other people enjoyable at all. So due to that I was already a bit ticked off. Eventually I found myself in a comfortable spot and I was happy there but it seemed my friend was getting a little bored with just jumping around, he wanted to link arms with someone and go around the entire crowd and make his way back to where he started again.
I didn't realise he wanted to link arms with me. A few minutes passed and he told me to do a funny cockney dance because I was wearing a waistcoat (which I had already done once in the night just for a laugh), but I really didn't want to do it whilst in the midst of this mass of people. Unfortunately I wasn't very clear about that and my friend didn't understand. After a while he asked me to link arms (this is when I realised he meant he wanted to go around the crowd with me), and because of everything that had happened up until then, I was very frustrated and I lashed out at him. I swore at him and of course he didn't like that so he got angry with me and told me I was being a wanker. I don't know if he realised it but as he was telling me so he had an extremely smug look on his face, which at the time just annoyed me even more because it felt like he was looking down on me. I swore at him again and walked away to sit down.
I had enough time to think about what had happened, but I childishly sent a text to another friend we were with on that night, and I regret doing that. Eventually my friend came over to where I was sitting and sat down next to me. We had a hurried discussion, which was mostly him telling me how I'm being stupid. I apologised for swearing at him and after a while he apologised for calling me a wanker.
That particular incident also had me questioning myself and my integrity. Was I wrong to feel so frustrated about it? I had never been in an Irish folk gig and danced within a crowd whilst sober before. I had no idea if I would like it or not, so I gave it a try and now I know I don't like it. But I can't help but wonder, maybe I'm making all these excuses up. Am I just trying to accommodate my actions? Are these the real reasons for my behaviour and attitude? I just don't know.
Thirdly, something else which has confused me a lot this year has been a very brief relationship I had with a girl I hardly knew, I'd met her before but I had hardly ever spoken to her or got to know her. It's a long story but I'll try and summarise it.
During the week of New Years '07, I was quite open about my relationship status, and there was a girl hanging out with me and some other members of the group that I'm a member of, the same group as previously mentioned in this note. After a couple nights of hanging out at bars and general socialising I noticed she was sending me certain signals. I wasn't sure what to do at the time but I thought that it couldn't be a bad thing. So I hung out with her during the day of New Years Eve. She seemed like a nice enough person, and she was. She didn't have a malicious bone in her body, but she was naïve, and I'll get to that in a moment. We spent New Years Eve together in a pub with a group of friends and we had a good laugh, it was a good night and everyone had fun. We went from a pub on Mutley Plain to the Plymouth Hoe, and then from there to a friends house where we watched Family Guy all night.
Me and the girl in question left our friends house in the early hours of the morning and went back to my place, we were going to watch Anime, but somehow we ended up making out. Which was fine, nothing wrong with that. A couple days later she had to get the train back to Uni, she didn't want anybody seeing her off so she left alone.
We spoke over MSN and Telephone quite a lot over the next month, we had a good laugh, and kept telling each other how much we missed each other, which at the time I felt like I did. Soon, completely of her volition, she decided to come back to Plymouth to visit during her reading week, without telling her parents. She stayed at her friends house (the same friends house that we watched Family Guy all night at) for the week. I didn't want to get in the way of her studies but she seemed to just let me get in the way most of the time during that week. We watched loads of Ghibli movies that week, which was great because I had hardly seen any of them up until that point.
To get to the point, during that week, we slept together, I think things would've gone much smoother had we not been constantly in each others company. As the week drew to a close I began to realise that she wasn't the person I thought she was. Still a perfectly nice girl, but naïve and if I dare say, rather self absorbed. On the Friday night of that week she received a text from someone and immediately insisted that she be given the keys to the apartment so she can go have a “crying fit.” Myself and our friend tried to convince her to stay but she wouldn't yield. She left in a hurry and I was left not knowing what on earth to do, I began to ask myself, “What kind of boyfriend lets his girlfriend go off to cry in the middle of the night alone, in fact what kind of Man does that to anybody?” So I gathered up my courage and put my coat on and went after her. I found her on the seafront on the phone to somebody, sure she was crying, sort of. But it wasn't really a fit. I had absolutely no idea what to do, I didn't want to surprise her or interrupt her phone call because I respected her privac
Unknown "ponny tail" Naughty
- 16 years, 2 months, 14 days ago
