"To all virgins........ thanks for nothin'."
"I'm all for promoting abstinence. The more people who are abstinant the less pathetic I look."
"Don't knock Masturbation, it's sex with someone you love !"
"Her name is Palmela, she has five fingers and if I sit on her for 20 minutes I can call her a stranger."
"Throughout my life, I've tried my hand at many things, and guess what? It turned out to be the perfect tool for masturbating!
"My girlfriend refers to me in bed as the 'Energizer Bunny'. It's not because I can go for hours or anything — it's because I'm really good at rolling over and handing her fresh batteries for her vibrator."
"My sister caught me jacking off the other week and called me a pervert. Then just the other day I walked into her room and caught her masturbating. So she called me a pervert again ! There is no justice in the world..."
"Pornography is supposed to arouse sexual desires. If pornography is a crime, when will they arrest makers of perfume ?"
"Abstinence-only sex education makes as much sense as removing seatbelts from cars because the seatbelts will encourage speeding."
"Well, I've got one son, but I'll be damned if I remember how that happened."
"You can't go into the ring and be a nice guy. I would go a month, two months, without having sex. It worked for me because it made me a vicious animal. You can't fight if you have any compassion or anything like that.
"She was sucking it so hard the sheets were going up my ass..."
"Great news: My girlfriend sucks ! Bad news: My girlfriend sucks ! Linguistic trick or another one of life's bittersweet mysteries ?"
Top 10 Common Activities That Sound Sexy but Aren't.
"10 - Touching all the bases
9 - Getting a facial
8 - Going for a 30-minute lube job
7 - Ordering the pork
6 - Glazing the donut
5 - Getting a little behind in your work
4 - Buffing the hardwood
3 - Boning the ham
2 - Blowing off your boss
1 - Stiffing the waitress."
"Why do the Scots wear kilts ? Because the sound of zippers scares the shit out of sheep..."
"Look at it this way — if you came into a country where they had strict laws against molesting livestock, where they preached against it in their churches, where children were strictly warned against the practice, and where the subject caused almost hysterical condemnation it's not because you've run into a country of animal-rights activists. You've come to a country of sheepfuckers.
"The best things in life are free... Try explaining that to an angry prostitute."
"I studied the Paris Hilton sex tape as if it were the JFK/Zapruder film, but no matter how many times I replayed it frame-by-frame, I swear I saw only one shooter on that grassy knoll."
"If Godzilla has a penis, I bet it's large, green and covered with scales. Come to think of it, that pretty much describes Ron Jeremy's penis, too."
"I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn't selling fucking legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? I can't follow the logic on that one at all! Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people! In civilian life you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm !"
" Love is an evil trick that nature plays on people to get them to breed."
"One makes mistakes; that is life. But it is never a mistake to have loved."
"My father started to give me the 'Why don't you find a soulmate ?' speech again the other night. I told him he's been watching too many eHarmony.com commercials. There's no such thing as a soulmate, just an I-tolerate-your crap-because-I-can't-do-any-better-mate."
"Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it."
"You know there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you."
"Before I fuck my girlfriend on the hood of my car, I always run the engine for a few minutes to warm it up — because that's the kind of thing you do when you care."
"There's a big difference between 'having lots of sex' and 'getting fucked a lot'."
"My wife stopped pretending to have orgasms years ago. That's all right with me, though, because it allowed me to stop pretending that I cared."
"There's a difference between fucking and making love. Making love is what I wanna do after you've been nice to me. Nice by fucking me for instance."
Spooony Playful
- 12 years, 10 months, 3 days ago
