"The world rushes on over the strings of the lingering heart making the music of sadness"
He had walked the earth as Nostradamus, Uther Pendragon, Count Cagliostro and Rodrigo Borgia. He could open a tin of sardines with his teeth, strike a Swan Vesta on his chin, rope steers, drive a steam locomotive and hum all the works of Gilbert & Sullivan without becoming confused or breaking down in tears, was taught how to stop his heart by the Dalai Lama (In exchange for teaching him how to play darts), once climbed Mount Everest in a smoking jacket and plus-fours to win a bet with Oscar Wilde, swam the Atlantic Ocean to win a bet with Humphrey Bogart, reinvented the ocarina- thus giving it more holes and allowing it to open portals to the 'Forbidden Zones'-, an expert swordsman, a gourmet chef, a world traveller, poet, painter, stigmatist, guru to gurus and hater of Craig David. He died, penniless, at a Hastings boarding house, in his ninetieth year. His name was Captain James Brooke, and he was never bored. Hailed as the 'guru's guru', Brooke penned more than eight million words of genius including his greatest work, The Book of Ultimate Truths. But vital chapters of The Book were suppressed, chapters which could have changed the whole course of human history.
Don't expect to be good enough for me, but have a punt anyway!
I REALLY need someone to show off too. Otherwise I just can't be arsed. Capt James Brooke"C J "
- 10 years, 9 months, 23 days ago
'Pie and mash and eels. That's what you need boy.' 'But Daddy, the eels make me feel all funny in my tummy.' 'Shut your hole! Eels helped us win the war my boy. They was as British as good old proper blankets.' 'But Daddy, they are all slimey and they have eyes on them.' 'Them eyes wot shone with valor and zeal as the Eels led the final charge on the High Rock Castle of the Robot Nazi's. Them eyes wot saw the fall of the New Roman Empire in 2145. Them VERY EYES WOT HAVE PAVED THE PATH FOR YOU TO LIVE IN FREEDOM AND ENJOY THE RIGHT TO VOTE FOR THE FATHER CHRISTMAS OF YOU CHOICE AND CHOOSE THE BEST OF THE BEST IN TV TALENT SHOWS! YOU WILL EAT THEM FUCKING EEL'S BOY! AND BE PROUD IN DOING SO!' 'Could we not go to McDonalds instead, they are doing the new McCow with double cheese and veal sauce for just 99p this week!' '99p! Cor! Yeah ok!' Capt James Brooke"C J "
- 11 years, 10 months, 5 days ago
Soyez réalistes, demandez l'impossible! Capt James Brooke"C J "
- 12 years, 1 month, 7 days ago
Aslak the Viking looked over the vast expanse of high-end retail units spread out below him. He smiled at his kingdom and felt at peace. ‘Oi Arselick! You were 4 minuets late for work this morning. If it happens again you are on report Sunny Jim,’ Called Martin the Supervisor, over the radio. ‘The unwise man is awake all night worries over and again. When morning rise he is restless still, his burden as before.’ Replied Aslak. Up in the Security Control Centre Martin rolled his eyes.
Later on petrol Aslik spotted a group of youths attempting to break into the Candy King Sweet stand, which was set in a camera black spot and easy pray for the young villains. ‘Cattle die kinsmen die all men are mortal. Words of praise will never perish nor a noble name.’ Aslik called to them. ‘F@ck off you old c@nt. You can’t touch us! We know the law! You can’t do nothing!’ The youths called back. One mooned Aslik and then they started to chant…. ‘PEDO PEDO PEDO.’ At him.
At lunch Aslik enjoyed a Burger King and a cookie from the Cookie Shack on level 2. The cookie had been free! Aslik suspected that the girl behind the counter was impressed with his mighty helmet. ‘Always rise to an early meal, but eat your fill before a feast. If you're hungry you have no time to talk at the table.’ He said to himself as he rubbed his full tummy through his thick fur shirt.
While holding a smack-head shoplifter in an arm lock, Aslik, prompted by his cries of… ‘Ow OW! Man your breaking my arm! Leave off it, you can’t do this, my kids waiting for me. You can’t do this to my kid man.’ Said. ‘Moderately wise a man should be not too crafty or clever. A learned man's heart whose learning is deep seldom sings with joy.’ ‘I’m gonna f@ck you up man. I’m coming back to wet you up after work. Me and my mates are gonna stab your ass you f@cking poof.’ And then he spat onto Aslik’s mighty fur boots.
At 8 pm, Aslik locked the centres doors, took the keys back to control, popped his radio onto charge and signed himself out on the Day Book. ‘You wanna come down the gym and bust some reps?’ Asked Big Pete. ‘Go you must. No guest shall stay in one place forever. Love will be lost if you sit too long at a friend's fire.’ He quipped back. ‘Whatever nutter.’ Said Big Pete.
Come 9 pm Aslik was to be found sitting in front of the telly. Beer in hand, polishing his double-headed axe and watching Relocation Relocation. A young couple, he in Management Training and her something in PR, were looking to move out of London and into a quiet village location near the M4. The pretty little village caught Aslik’s attention. ‘I’d pillage the shit out of that.’ He said to himself. When the program was done he had a warm milk and went to bed.
There’s a Flamingo in my bathroom, who says his name is Fred. And if I tell the Rozzers that he’s there he’ll make my Mother dead. But the jig is up you feathered swine! It’s much too late I say! I ate my Mothers Brains and eyes just the other day. What’s left of her is yours to take, and keep all winter long. I’ll even leave her dressed as is, in Fathers bestest thong. And with a kind and cheery wave the villain flew away. Later I discovered he had sold her on EBay. Still, swings and roundabouts right?