The way things used to be a long time ago
A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.
Zeid Ksar "Jacy's :))" - 16 years, 6 months, 18 days ago

One Upon A Time

Then:

We held hands on the last night on earth. Our mouths filled with dust, we kissed in the fields and under trees, screaming like dogs, bleeding dark into the leaves. It was empty on the edge of town but we knew everyone floated along the bottom of the river. So we walked through the waste where the road curved into the sea and the shattered seasons lay, and the bitter smell of burning was on you like a disease.In our cancer of passion you said, "Death is a midnight runner." The sky had come crashing down like the news of an intimate suicide. We picked up the shards and formed them into shapes of stars that wore like an antique wedding dress. The echoes of the past broke the hearts of the unborn as the ferris wheel silently slowed to a stop. The few insects skidded away in hopes of a better pastime.

I kissed you at the apex of the maelstrom and asked if you would accompany me in a quick fall, but you made me realize that my ticket wasn't good for two. I rode alone. You said,"The cinders are falling like snow." There is poetry in despair, and we sang with unrivaled beauty, bitter elegies of savagery and eloquence.Of blue and grey. Strange, we ran down desperate streets and carved our names in the flesh of the city. The sun has stagnated somewhere beyond the rim of the horizon and the darkness is a mystery of curves and line.Still, we lay under the emptiness and drifted slowly outward,and somewhere in the wilderness we found salvation scratched into the earth like a message





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Now:

On ce, she had looked at him with a knowing sparkle in her eye, as if she were hiding some great truth she wanted to share with him. Now when she looked at him, there was still a warm love in her eyes, but her secrets were all told. He was the one with something to hide now; she would never -- could never -- know the power she had held over him. Had she but asked, it would have been given; had she picked up the phone he would have come. But she did not ask, and she did not call, and for that, he breathed a sad sigh of relief.

He knew how that story ended, yet would have been helpless to stop it had she simply spoken the right words. So he kept silent even while his heart was screaming, and at long last the spell was broken. He smiled softly back, wondering what she saw in his eyes. She was beautiful, and she was happy. And he was free.





The End


Zeid Ksar "Jacy's :))" - 16 years, 6 months, 18 days ago

I was talking to a dear friend of mine who actually proved to be a good friend even though I have put him through a lot

We were discussing relations between people in general, and friendships in particular.

Friendships usually start with either a smile and a good chat or a fight. I personally have had my share of both. They say that the best friendships are the ones that start badly. I really do not know about that. Yet I do know that if your friend stuck with you during ups and downs, then that is a good friend regardless of how your friendship started.

Lately I have been feeling that I have no friends at all. I think I do have friends, but I actually do not. It is just disappointing and frustrating when you think you know someone and consider him/her a friend only to find out that he/she is anything but a friend. How do you know if someone really cares about you? Many people -and I hate this type by the way- would say something and act differently! I simply do not care about all the talk in the world if your actions prove the opposite.

I understand that people are selfish, and they always want what is best for them before anything else. I think it is in our nature. However, it really is rude when someone does it under the name of friendship and at the expense of others. I really hope that people would think twice before they hurt others with their so-called friendship.

One thing my friend told me, maybe we get hit by reality because we discover that people are not what we hope they were. His sentence silenced me; it is true. I guess I should never expect too much from anyone. Learn to appreciate the friends you have now as a true friendship is priceless and real friends are rare.


Zeid Ksar "Jacy's :))" - 16 years, 7 months ago

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive.”

~ Anäis Nin


Zeid Ksar "Jacy's :))" - 16 years, 7 months ago

------------------------Judgment --------------------------
I told her that one day we will figure out all of her emotions towards me. That one day we, together, will figure out what this is all about.

She approcahes me with a strange mix of affection and disdain. Like she can't believe that she likes me despite all that I stand for. Or maybe she just can't stand me for knowing her so well.

And she is not alone....

I seem to inspire this feeling amongst many of my female friends, and they are usually the ones that come over and spill all at my feet: All their lies, deceits, and hidden desires. All of their "sins", so to speak. It's because I do not judge them that they come to me for confession, and it's also because I refuse to judge them afterwards they seem to hate me. They know I can offer them no absolution, that any confession is supposed to inspire judgment in me. Suppsoed to make me view them as the big bad sinners they are. They all wanna be acknowledged for their sluttiness or cruelty. They want to be viewed as bad. For what is a greater aim of a man than to be regarded as a great sinner?

But I don't judge...

It's all the same to me....

And that's the most offensive part they find of me.
They seem to say: How dare you not judge me? How dare you not recognize how fucked up I am? Tell me I am screwed in the head. That I am a whore. Give me that satisfaction and acknowledgment. Say it to me, so that I can stop saying it to myself. For however cruel your judgment is, it's not as cruel as the one practiced on me by my own mind.

I don't know why I am attracted to them. Why I am so emotionally available for them. Something about filling a bucket that has a hole in it with water. You know that all the oceans of the world won't fill it, but it's fun to try anyway.

She amuses me because of how similar we are in some aspects, and the fact that she knows it and that it scares the shit out of her. She is not alone in that department either, nor is her fear unjustified! She knows how bored I am, and knowing the lengths a person will go to stop being bored, she fears the day when I will spill it all out because I had nothing better to do. She doesn't get that I won't do that because there is nothing amusing about showing the world someone else's scars. Just not my idea of fun!

I seek inspiration, and they offer me the mundane. They confess their little secrets as if they are the most horrible thing in the world. They expect this process to shame them. They believe that there is shame in taking the wrong choice, in actually living while committing one mistake after the other. They are wrong.

It's for greater knowledge of themselves they come to me, and it's because of that knowledge they run away afterwards. Of all the things that scares them, it's their truths that scares them the most. They are used to taking off their cloths in front of others, but they are not used to seeing themselves naked, especially through the eyes of a stranger. One that refuses to Judge them.

It is an insult of the highest degree, isn't it? To see the muck inside your soul and not hate you for it? How dare I make no judgments upon you? How dare I not call you a crazy fucked up Bitch, which is the way you view yourself? How dare I tell you that your sins don't matter, when you worked so hard for them? You paid for those dearly, and you want me to tell you that the value was worth the price. You want me to gaze at you with cruel eyes and acrebic tongue and lay a symphony of vicious insults of how you are lower than filth. You want punishment. You are but one of a million little girls still looking for Daddy to come home and spank them for being naughty. If only Daddy agrees to play along...

There is no hope for them. No salvation nor redemption. They seek atonement for crimes that they wish to be proud of, and then wonder why it all doesn't work. They inner masochist working them over time, demanding them to release more disdain, more hate, more anger towards me, and cover it up with some other flimsy reason. They want a fight. A blow-out of massive proportions where I use every little secret they told me against them. They want to see me enraged. In a way they want me to punish them. I just want them to grow up.

To be honest, only like 4 women I know can be called evolved. Accepters of their own sins. Makers of their own Moral code. Disconnected with society and its rules of civilized behavior, the same rules that breed Hypocrisy in people like a plague. They expect no Judgment, they offer no apology. They are the way they are. Like 'em or hate 'em, this won't change!

And I can't help but admire their defiance. Their unapologetic amorality. Their ability to be ok with their choices, no matter what they have been through. Those are women. The rest are just whiney insecure little girls.

No wonder they are the ones that inspire me the most!

Zeid Ksar "Jacy's :))" - 16 years, 7 months ago