Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss.
(Read this to yourself aloud - it's a must!)



I f a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall......

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unwanted risk, then you'll have to flash the BIOS and you'll want to RAM your ROM, just quickly turn the darn thing off and run to tell your Mom!



Well, that certainly clears things up for me.. How about you?

Susan Pereira "Twitchy Canuck" M.I.A. - 15 years, 7 months, 11 days ago

I'm So Old, I Can Remember:
When Air Was Clean
And Sex Was Dirty
Susan Pereira "Twitchy Canuck" M.I.A. - 15 years, 7 months, 11 days ago

May I Take It With Me?
.-. <*****> .-.
/ _ \.-----./ _ \
There once was a rich man who was near | / \((())))))/ \ |
death. He was very grieved because he ||: :(( '_' )): `||
had worked so hard for his money and he || : )))---((( : ||
wanted to be able to take it with him || ((( _ ))) :||
to heaven. So he began to pray that he ||: :/ /|\ \: ||
might be able to take some of his || / ,/\|/\, \ :||
wealth with him. ||: \___/ \___/ ||
|| : || || : ||
An angel hears his plea and appears to || / | | \ ||
him. "Sorry, but you can't take your ||:| | | |:||
wealth with you." The man implores the | / | | \ |
angel to speak to God to see if He might |/ | | \|
bend the rules. | |
| | jgs
The man continues to pray that his wealth could |*****|
follow him. The angel reappears and informs the ~~~~~~~
man that God has decided to allow him to take one
suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase
and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon
afterwards the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet
St. Peter.
_____ St. Peter seeing the suitcase says,
/.---.\ "Hold on, you can't bring that in
________||___||________ here!"
/--"""-------------"""--\
| | But the man explains to St. Peter
| | that he has permission and asks him
| | to verify his story with God. Sure
| __ | enough, St. Peter checks and comes
| jgs [__]| back saying, "You're right. You are
\_______________________/ allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm
supposed to check its contents before
letting it through."
St. Peter opens the
suitcase to inspect the worldly goods that the man found too precious
to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!"
Susan Pereira "Twitchy Canuck" M.I.A. - 15 years, 7 months, 14 days ago

A TRIP TO COSTCO



Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.


Susan Pereira "Twitchy Canuck" M.I.A. - 15 years, 7 months, 16 days ago

An elderly outport Newfoundland spinster called the Gambo lawyer's
office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared...
>>>>>
>>>>> The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, 'You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?'
>>>>>
>>>>> The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.
>>>>>
The lawyer's first question was, 'Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?'
>>>>>
>>>>> She replied, 'Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank. '
>>>>>
>>>>> 'Tell me,' the lawyer asked, 'how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?'
>>>>>
The spinster said, 'Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive
life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral.'
>>>>>
The lawyer remarked, 'Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting
impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!
But tell me,' he continued, 'what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?'
>>>>>
>>>>> The spinster replied, 'As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man.
>>>>>
>>>>> Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me.'
>>>>>
>>>>> 'This is a very unusual request,' the lawyer said, adding, 'but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you. '
>>>>>
>>>>> That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request.
>>>>>
>>>>> After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000
>>>>> and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.
>>>>>
>>>>> She said, 'I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished.'
>>>>>
>>>>> The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house.
>>>>>
>>>>> She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out.
>>>>>
>>>>> So she blew the car horn.
>>>>>
>>>>> Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, 'Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the GOVERNMENT bury her.'

Susan Pereira "Twitchy Canuck" M.I.A. - 15 years, 7 months, 24 days ago