IMPACT

The impact throws me to the ground where I lay sprawled upon my back,
The blood is warm and it tingles the back of my head,
I wish I could move but it hurts too much
So I settle to laying there staring at the sky as the clouds drift above me.

My field of vision goes blurry but I still see the tall strangers around me,
Staring down at me, the perfect specimen of this feeling,
This depression pushed to its limits.
It takes the greatest self-control to keep myself from sobbing,
The sobs hurt my sides and I don't want them to see the tears,
These threatening strangers,
I don't want them inside of me, digging and piercing me
All by the opening of some emotion I've kept hidden.

My breathing slows and I faintly feel someone take my hand,
I try to pull away not wanting to be consoled
Not wanting a reprieve from this...

"Wait a little bit longer it's not too late" the voice calls out as if from a dream.

I'm spiraling down into the dark,
Twisting and turning as I fall,
The wind blowing back my hair matted with blood
Forcing me to close my eyes and accept
The consequences of all the times I lay down
And allowed myself to descend into sorrow
When I had so much to live for,
When I had... so much... to live for.
Morgan Nelson "Charlie's Wife" Loving - 15 years, 6 months, 23 days ago

MISDIRECTION

Crackling flames draw me nearer to a revelation,
Deeper and deeper into the warmth it draws me
Spiraling into the blue,
I wonder what it would feel like if I could only touch
The outer edges of this unique fire
That burns inside me.

Tears run down my cheeks only to be dried by the heat,
My flesh darkens and my mouth opens in a silent scream,
I am trapped in this prison of light that flickers in my eyes,
I have fallen only to be suspended in the middle of its rushing roar.

My nails begin to melt and drip down the backs of my hands
I twist and I turn and clutch myself but the most sensitive areas
Cannot be protected...

An ignited candle that draws the insects of the night
Squirming towards some unknown purpose
The knowledge floods into my mind.

This cannot be what I had been searching for,
Desperate, wandering aimlessly upon one broken path to the next,
This sensation cannot be what I was after!

"Hush and be still" says the wind in reference to my pain...

So I do, and I drift where nothing and no one can alter my course,
It is utterly without direction or sanity,
It is where light cannot touch my charred skin,
It is a place of peace and tranquility
Achieved only through the greatest pain.
Morgan Nelson "Charlie's Wife" Loving - 15 years, 6 months, 23 days ago

MORTIFIED

When did I become caught in this whirlpool? Spinning and dragging down with it everything that ever had any meaning,
Catching hold of all my opinions and ideas and turning them around until they face the opposite direction right before they sink below the water.

Why did I ever risk my emotions to the Unknown? Why did I let them be dragged this way and that through the dirt that darkens with blood
As wounds continue to open unprotected and infected, dirty and trying to heal.
I need some peace of mind to cleanse me from all of this, it's rising too far above my comfort level.

Do or die? Be swept away again? I don't know if either can help me right now. In fact I don't even know if I need to be helped, or what from.
All I know is that something isn't right, something has been moved out of place leaving imprints in the dust.

Severed from the expected it waits to be found again, waits as the sun rises and falls over and over again.
Watches helplessly as time passes and it grows old and delicate
Until the point where it can be crushed into nothing.

Soon the dust particles floating aimlessly through the air are all that remain of something once beautiful and complete.
Do you understand? Do you understand what I am trying to make you see through this double-sided mirror
Or are you too afraid to look deeper,
Are you afraid to get lost within yourself?
Morgan Nelson "Charlie's Wife" Loving - 15 years, 8 months, 24 days ago

FAKE FRIENDS AND FALSE SMILES


Your avoidance of me tells me all I need to know,
Friend, all the times we talked it was obvious then,
I was nothing but an annoyance to you
A whisper of death in the wind that reminds us of mortality,
You were never honest, even now,
You won't tell me to go away
You just ignore me
Because I am no friend to you,
Just a bug on a window
That you long to swat away.

Don't feel the need to protect me from rejection,
I've felt it time and time again
So I know the feeling all too well,
It's just daily ritual,
Oh well it all doesn't matter,
I have nothing left to say
So I hang my head in depression
Letting it fall again, my hair hanging in front of my eyes,
My hands clenched into fists at my sides,
Memories awash over me
And I'm furious at the world
Longing to strike at it but unable
As my fists raise a fraction of an inch
Then fall back down useless...
Morgan Nelson "Charlie's Wife" Loving - 15 years, 10 months ago

LOOK AT ME


Kill what's left of me in the long run,
Kill what's left of my subconscious mind,
Running high on laughter
Running away with my complacency
I hope you slip away,
Slip away.



This is the last time I stand with my head down,
My eyes darting this way and that,
Feeling beaten,
Feeling broken,
This is the last time I'll ever be your puppet
I'm cutting the strings,
Severing these ties that have been embedded in my flesh
Surrounded by dried blood and tears,
And hopelessly surrounding me now
Is only shadows of darkness,
Tyranny,
Fears.



Scratching hopelessly at my scars
Re-opening mental wounds,
Faster, harder, biting in again,
Digging down deeper than before
Searching for the answer,
Searching for peace,
Agitated red and running
Exposing my muscles
Exposing my weaknesses...
Look at me,
I've finally descended down into unconsciousness.
Morgan Nelson "Charlie's Wife" Loving - 15 years, 10 months, 27 days ago