sitting alone in your room, trying to think about what you've done with your life. You haven't done a damn thing. You're not going anywhere. You're just running in place, not moving anywhere. It's as though you're stuck. Why can't you move? All you want is to get on with your life. Why is it so hard? You feel yourself suffocating. You have that overwhelming feeling. That feeling that won't ever leave you alone. You want to be happy. Happiness is so foreign to you. It's been so long since you've felt happy. Can that possibly happen? So you ask yourself the same questions over and over again. What have you done? Where are you going? Panic starts to set in. You're terrified and you've never felt so alone in your life. You've alienated yourself from the others. You're on the outside looking in, silently watching everyone else. When will it be your turn? When will it finally happen to you? Will it ever? What are you waiting for? Everything just slips through your fingers. You can't quite hang onto it. You have it for a minute and just like that, it's gone forever. You're left there on your knees, sobbing with your head in your hands.
KALEIDOSCOPE "ColourFul SouL" Feisty - 15 years, 3 months, 16 days ago

You wear this hard shell, your suit of armor. You are jagged around the edges and cold to the touch. You hide yourself behind a mask, keeping parts of yourself hidden and locked away. You have built up these walls so high and barricaded yourself inside. No one can touch you, no one can hurt you. You keep everyone an arm length away. If they start to get close, you push and push. Until you push them so far away that they just give up. You keep on pushing until the uneasiness starts to fade, until the uncomfortableness subsides. You push until you can start to breathe without feeling suffocated. You need help spreading your wings but you've gone at this alone almost your entire life. It's hard to ask for help when you spent so much time telling yourself you don't need it. It's hard to care when you keep telling yourself not to. It's as though a part of yourself is numb completely. That outlet that allowed any sort of feeling shut down completely. Your body is set in self destruct. Nothing can stop you from tearing yourself apart. No on can make you love something when all you feel is numb. So you put on your mask. You fake some smiles. You pretend everything is okay when your brain is screaming at you. You are your own worst enemy. So, you put on your suit of armor day after day. Just so you can pretend you give a damn. It's fun to pretend. It's easier to pretend than it is for you to open up. Opening up comes with hurting and you're tired of hurting. Hearing that cold voice of reality that you desperately try to ignore. But it's not going anywhere. The voice is louder then ever. You just want to cover your ears and run. Run far enough away. Keep running and never look back.
KALEIDOSCOPE "ColourFul SouL" Feisty - 15 years, 3 months, 16 days ago

this thing...
wears your face
like a mask.
I was naive to deny
the things
you wear like armor.
KALEIDOSCOPE "ColourFul SouL" Feisty - 15 years, 9 months, 10 days ago

Gone Black


Everything is so dark
I've locked myself out
left myself stranded here
lost in this place
everything has gone black

When I touch your face
it seems like
you're so far away
there's that look in your eye
that makes me
want to cry
the look that makes me remember
why I got locked out
I remember now..
why everything has gone black

I say your name
I cry out to you
but you turned and ran
that look
back in your eyes
everything has gone black

You stand there
standing proud
pretending not to care
you're so tough
aren't you?
Nothing can touch you
but..
everything has gone black

It's only a matter
of time
before you realize
you're all alone
realizing this isn't what you wanted
But nothing will be there
everyone is gone
nothing seemed to be enough
But now, you're stuck there
pretending to be tough
showing you don't care
you're lost there
a place where
Everything has gone black
KALEIDOSCOPE "ColourFul SouL" Feisty - 15 years, 9 months, 10 days ago

The song "dream of you" by schiller makes me think about a friend who passed away. I love this song...


KALEIDOSCOPE "ColourFul SouL" Feisty - 15 years, 9 months, 10 days ago