> > My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the > > channels. > > She asked, 'What's on TV?' > > I said, 'Dust.' > > And then the fight started... > > > > ==================================================================== > > My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming > > anniversary. > > She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 > > Seconds.' > > I bought her a scale. > > And then the fight started... > > > > ==================================================================== > > When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her > > someplace > > Expensive - so I took her to a gas station... > > And then the fight started.... > > > > ==================================================================== > > My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,and I > > kept > > staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a > > nearby > > Table. > > My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' > > 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to > > drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she > > hasn't been sober since.' > > 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on > > celebrating > > That long?' > > And then the fight started... > > > > =========================================================== > > After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for > > Social > > Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's > > license to > > Verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my > > wallet at > > Home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go > > home > > And come back later. > > > > The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. > > > > So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That > > Silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed > > my > > Social Security application. > > > > When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the > > Social > > Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You > > might > > Have gotten disability, too' > > > > And then the fight started..... > > > > ==================================================================== > > A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not > > happy > > With what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look > > old, > > Fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' > > > > The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' > > > > And then the fight started. > > > > ==================================================================== > > I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my > > order > > First."I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, > > "Aren't you > > Worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." > > > > > > And then the fight started..... > > Michael Gulley"Amber's Delight"
- 4 years, 8 months, 17 days ago
Missouri according to Jeff Foxworthy:
1 If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in Missouri.
2 If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Missouri. 3 If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Missouri.
4 If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Missouri.
5 If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' and back again in the same day, you may live in Missouri.
6 If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Missouri.
7 If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Missouri.
8 If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Missouri.
9 If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Missouri.
10 If everyone in your family has been on a "float trip." you may live in Missouri.
11 If the phrase “I’m going to the Lake this weekend” has only one meaning, and everyone knows what you're talking about, you may live in Missouri.
12 If "Down South" means Arkansas and you know where Idiots Out Wandering Around are located, you might be from Missouri.
13 If "Vacation" means driving to Silver Dollar City, Worlds of Fun or Six Flags, you might be from Missouri.
14 If you ever rode a school bus over an hour each way, you might be from Missouri.
15 If you failed World Geography in school because you thought Cuba, Versailles, California, Nevada, Houston, Cabool, Louisiana, Springfield, and Mexico were cities in Missouri (And they are mind you!), you might be from Missouri.
16 If you had school classes canceled because of cold, You're probably from Missouri.
17 If you had school classes canceled because of heat, You're probably from Missouri.
18 If you can recognize whether another Missourian is from the Boot Heel, Ozarks, Eastern, Middle or Western Missouri soon as they open their mouth, You're probably from Missouri.
19 If you know that Harry S. Truman, Walt Disney, George Washington Carver and Mark Twain are all from Missouri, Well... you guessed it.
20 If you know what "Home of the Throwed Roll" means! You're probably from Missouri.
21 If you know what’s supposed to be “knee-high by the Fourth of July.” You're probably from Missouri.
22 If you pronounce Missouri with an “ah” at the end. You're probably from Missouri.
23 If you think “deer season” is a national holiday. You're probably from Missouri.
24 If you’ve ever said (or heard) “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.” You're probably from Missouri.
25 If you’ve seen people wear bib overalls to funerals. You're probably from Missouri.
26 If your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. You're probably from Missouri.
27 If you've seen farmers stop work and remove their hat as a funeral passes by. You're probably from Missouri.
If you actually understand these jokes, send this so all of your Missouri friends and others can see. You definitely do live - or have lived - in Missouri God Bless Ya'll!.
Now this is a BBQ guaranteed to get everyone's attention......I think it should be towed with the barrel facing backwards...then you wouldn't have to worry about anyone tailgating you....I don't know for sure but my guess is the owner is from Texas!!!!!!
BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine... (1) The woman buys the food. (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part: (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine... (6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery. (7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again: (8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine... (9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all: (11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!