I'm having one of those out of control days. I haven't a clue as to where they come from but they happen once every 5 or so years and I go out and make an absolutely ridiculous unnecessary purchase.

Yesterday, I bought a bloody expensive moissanite ring. Yes, it's expensive enough that I maxed out my credit card. No I don't need it I've got rings out the wazoo. Yes there are totally a million different things I could be spending my money on, like a new computer. But I've been looking at it for months and I really really wanted it. And I'll be able to pay off the credit card within the month if I'm good for the rest of the 20 some odd days.

I lay in bed last night with some trepidation and general heebie jeebies about spending that much money. Normally I'm loath to go out to eat if there is perfectly good food in the house and if you told me the day before I bought any of it that I was going to be all irrational and girly I would have laughed hysterically. What a difference a day makes eh?

You know what though, I got a raise at work, am going to be working 50+ hours every week from now until August, actually have a second job for my "play" money, and have already contributed the estimated into RRSPs for both 2007 and 2008. Doesn't this count as being responsible enough?
Unknown "Ms. Wright" Bold - 16 years, 10 months, 18 days ago

Why did my story delete itself? boo!
Unknown "Ms. Wright" Bold - 16 years, 10 months, 18 days ago

Lately I've noticed my dog is getting on in years. She takes 5 minutes as she scrambles to get all her legs under her in order to get from her usual splayed position on the floor to mobile position. She leaves clumps of hair lying around that have more grey in them than black these days. She used to love the feel of cool tile against the mounds of fur, now she likes the softness of pillows.

My dog has also acquired some quirks in her old age, such as refusing to poop until she has taken her daily march 100 feet out to the mail box in which she promptly turns around and heads straight for the doggie business area. Every day it's the same routine..... doggie business area, pee, march to the mailbox, full circle, march back, poop, then back inside. It's a routine that can't be broken and I look at myself and wonder in my old age, have I developed any crazy habits that I can't live without?

Sometimes I wonder if having a sleeping buddy is one of them. Seriously, I get maybe 2 - 4 hours of sleep alone. I toss and turn and have some very whacked out dreams of running and handing out french fries in my underwear if I don't have someone to calm me down subconsciously. With someone there it's like I know there's another set of ears to wake up if something goes wrong in reality. I know that while I sleep I'm still being protected from the unseen evils out there. Maybe my neuroses about having my food touch is my quirk. My veggies shall never touch my meat or my starch, and if I can help it, I'll get a different plate for everything.

When it all comes down to it though, all of that is small stuff compared to what I have to look at inside myself. In this world of individualism and being apart from the crowd, all I want is to find somewhere where I belong and where I fit in. From as long as I can remember I have always had someone with me, someone who got at least half of what I was saying, and who would be there for me no matter what. This year and the coming years I really don't have that, and it scares me witless; almost paralyzes me. I'm sure I'll get through it all, but at the same time I honestly have no idea where I am or who I belong to, and that's probably the most important thing ever to me.
Unknown "Ms. Wright" Bold - 16 years, 10 months, 21 days ago