I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we' d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in t ouch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
Unknown "Super Dad" Content - 16 years, 8 months, 7 days ago

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

Unknown "Super Dad" Content - 16 years, 9 months, 12 days ago

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Unknown "Super Dad" Content - 16 years, 9 months, 12 days ago

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Bud Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly
into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
Unknown "Super Dad" Content - 16 years, 9 months, 21 days ago

A lawyer gets on a plane and is waiting to get to his seat. He looks ahead to his seat and notices an attractive brunette business woman in the seat next to him so he starts thinking of ways to get her attention. He sits down and introduces himself. They shake hands and she rolls over to go to sleep. Thinking quickly he asks her, "Hey, let's play a game and I promise to make it worth your while." Intrigued, the woman rolls back over and says, "Whatcha got in mind." The lawyer proceeds, "I'll ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question and if I get it wrong, I'll give you $500." The woman agrees and the lawyer asks, "What is due process?" The woman reaches into her purse and pulls out $5 to give to the lawyer. Then she proceeds, "What has 3 legs when it goes up a hill and 4 when it comes down?" The lawyer gives her a blank stare so she rolls over to go to sleep. The man instantly swipes his credit card to start calling his friends from phone on the plane. He taps into the internet and searches for over an hour. A couple of hours pass and the woman wakes and says, "Well?" The lawyer says, "I have no idea." So he hands her $500. She rolls back over to go to sleep. "WAIT...you CAN'T DO THAT! You have to tell me what has 3 legs when it goes up a hill and 4 when it comes down..." The woman reaches into her purse and pulls out five dollars.
Unknown "Super Dad" Content - 16 years, 10 months, 4 days ago