Are you a Martha or Maxine?


*Martha's Way*
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.


*Maxine's Way *
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!


*Martha's Way*
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

*Maxine's Way *
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.


*Martha's Way*
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

*Maxine's Way *
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

*Martha's Way*
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'

*Maxine's Way *
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'

*Martha's Way*
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

*Maxine's Way *
Celery? Never heard of it!


*Martha's Way*
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

*Maxine's Way *
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.


*Martha's Way*
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.


*Maxine's Way *
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! 'All' your pains go away.

*Martha's Way*
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

*Maxine's Way *
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

*Martha's Way*
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

*Maxine's Way *
Leftover wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!!


Unknown " " Abused - 16 years, 5 months, 18 days ago

The Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear,
I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now.


Unknown " " Abused - 16 years, 8 months, 4 days ago

Subject: IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE AWAY AND WANT AN AUTO E-MAIL REPLY MESSAGE, TRY THESE.



1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply
to you if I fail to get the position.
Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and
heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I
return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in
the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection.
Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try
sending again.

(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
who did this over and over and over...)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me.
Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for
medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead
of Steve.
Unknown " " Abused - 16 years, 8 months, 9 days ago

Subject: Edward has invited you to Yuwie!
A message from Edward Lock:
Your Personal Message From Above
----------------------------------------
You have been invited to join Yuwie by Edward Lock. When you join, you will be instantly connected to Edward and Edward's friends. Click the link below to join.

http://www.yuwie.com/yuwie.asp?r=537828&vid=

What is Yuwie?
=================
First off, Yuwie is 100% FREE. Yuwie is like any other "connect with friends" or social networking site. But we have one major difference.

Use Yuwie - Get Paid!

Yuwie pays you to blog, upload pictures, refer friends, chat, hang out, etc.

Unknown " " Abused - 16 years, 8 months, 10 days ago

BLESSED CANADA

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said:

"Today I am going to create a land called Canada It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied God "just wait and see the winters I am going to give them."



AND NOW YOU KNOW p/s if you are Canadian you like to have more snow god has not been generous with the snow we pray for more more more so we can share the great white Canada with all
Unknown " " Abused - 16 years, 8 months, 17 days ago