Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the ole' golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The ole' golfer leans over the bar, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? "
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am!"
The ole' golfer leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order ' That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excu se me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there. ''That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live! ''That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?' The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
> > > > A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, > >waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. > > > > > > > > > > > > The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his > >weight, and being a little concerned, > > > > > > asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. > > > > > > > > > > > > 'Breast-fed,' she replied. > > > > > > > > > > > > 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. > > > > > > > > > > > > She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and > >rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed > >examination. > > > > > > > > > > > > Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, > > > > 'No wonder this baby is underweight. > > > > > > > > > > > > You don't have any milk. > > > > 'I know,' she said, > > 'I'm his Grandma, > > > > but I'm glad I came.'
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Shit! That must be my husband!'
So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, then started to run as fast as he could to his car. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman 'I AM your husband, you slut!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah??? Then why were you running....you Son of a Bitch !!!'
And that folks............is how the fight started