A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $ 2.00
HAMBURGER: $ 2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $ 2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $ 3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the ole' golfer.


"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The ole' golfer leans over the bar, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? "

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am!"

The ole' golfer leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger


Patrick Alexander "Swagalicious1" Thumb my herd pls - 14 years, 11 months, 6 days ago

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order ' That will be
$9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out
the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich
come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.' The
ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the
waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity
any longer. 'Excu se me, sir. How do you manage to always come
up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay
for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right
amount of money would always be there. ''That's brilliant!' says
the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or
something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live! ''That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls
Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?' The man sighs,
pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a
big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'





Patrick Alexander "Swagalicious1" Thumb my herd pls - 15 years, 7 months, 5 days ago

> >
> > A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
> >waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his
> >weight, and being a little concerned,
> >
> >
> > asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Breast-fed,' she replied.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
> >rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed
> >examination.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
> >
> > 'No wonder this baby is underweight.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > You don't have any milk.
> >
> > 'I know,' she said,
> > 'I'm his Grandma,
> >
> > but I'm glad I came.'

Patrick Alexander "Swagalicious1" Thumb my herd pls - 15 years, 8 months, 20 days ago

This is how the fight started...


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3
o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, sort of
bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Shit! That must be my husband!'

So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out
the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through
a thorn bush, then started to run as fast as he could to his car. A few
minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the
woman 'I AM your husband, you slut!'


The woman yelled back, 'Yeah??? Then why were you running....you Son of a Bitch !!!'

And that folks............is how the fight started


Patrick Alexander "Swagalicious1" Thumb my herd pls - 15 years, 10 months, 13 days ago

Last Day on the Job
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."


Patrick Alexander "Swagalicious1" Thumb my herd pls - 15 years, 10 months, 22 days ago