I never knew that I could feel like this.. that I could know someone and care for them this fast.. he sees right through me, theres nothing but honesty.. I'm overwhelmed by his thoughtfulness and his nature.. to get lost in his kiss, and find my way back in his arms. I feel safe with him, and yet scared that it came so fast and that it could go away just as fast as it came.. fate has brought him to me, I didn't even have to look... he was there the whole time and I didn't even know it. I have a good feeling bout our future, and I hope to make him happy for the rest of my life.
Unknown "Pheonixphyre" Hopeless - 16 years, 5 months, 12 days ago

I say that I would give up.. that I would lose myself to the being within me.. but there is still hope.. what if he really was out there.. what if I gave up and he came to me, and I did not know it.. there is so much within me that I crave.. mostly I feel like it will never happen, they say they care, that they would do anything to be with me, and yet in the end, it is always me making the jump, I'm always making the sacrifice to be with them.. and they don't know how much of a toll they put on me. In the end, I am alone...
there must be someone out there that I can have that connection with, that I'd find love within his arms, in his kiss.. to have him hold me and tell me that things will be ok.. that I am not alone anymore.. and that he'd stay..
i'm not looking for a fairy tale, or some magical moment when I would turn around and he'd be there to pick me up. only a soft touch, and the feeling of being wanted... if only for a brief moment.. by the one that would make me whole.
Someone told me that love even in its brief moments, was more wonderful than anything they had ever felt, and they still feel that way to this day..
I want that.. I want to be able to feel something so great that it would stay with me for eternity.. something that breaks the barrier of this lifetime and sends my soul to soar..
but when will it be my turn.. when will he finally find me? I have all but been too patient and too understanding, and too willing for this to come to me, that I may have hurt myself more than anything.. and I'm not even sure that I will ever be able to recover.. and yet I yearn for that moment.. the one moment that I am truely myself and to be loved for me, and to feel the warmth of that love, and let it take me to eternity.
someday.. it'll happen.. I hope.
Unknown "Pheonixphyre" Hopeless - 16 years, 5 months, 24 days ago

sometimes I think it would be better to be alone, then I wouldn't have this ache within me to be touched.. I'm so close to giving up it's not funny, I'd rather have the meaningless sex, than to go without being touched by the one that I want.. it's a wonder why people never see me smile, or when they do, it's always a show that I put on.. I haven't truely smiled in so long, I have forgotten it's warmth..
I don't think he ever truely seen me for who I am, but I wanted it sooo badly.
another promise broken.. but he doesn't realise how close I am to going away forever.. he wouldn't know how much of a thing I had lost.. my soul. and now the time is here, that I am saying goodbye to her, the being within me, and giving up on my search for something real.. going back to harshness of the other.. how she made men squeel in extacy, ambitioned only by lust and pain, torchering the hearts of the feeble brained to gain her exploits.. truely she was always the one to get what she wanted, at any time.. no games, no feelings, just the hunt... the time is almost here.. to bring her back.. to seek the hunt. I almost remember the taste of their blood, as it run off my lips.. begging me to keep going. It's scary how I almost miss it... and yet scared all at the same time.
If he truely seen me, the me that I have hidden for so long.. would he still want me anyways.. probubly not.. he'd be just a toy to me, a memory of something that I had felt once. and I don't want that to happen.. not now, not ever....
Unknown "Pheonixphyre" Hopeless - 16 years, 6 months, 8 days ago

how could I go from a relationship with someone in one day, and be complicated the next.. what happened to complicate things...?
I asked for proof that someone actually wanted to be with me, and I got shoved away again.. I don't know what else to do, I'm at my end.. my heart is being ripped apart piece by piece, pretty soon there may not be enough of it left to trust anymore... I hate feeling like this. Like no matter what I do it just isn't enough, that he sat there and complimented me and told me that he wanted ever so to be with me, and then change his mind and say that hes scared...
the only thing is, is that in my head, I've already lost him. Today was just the first step.
soon he'll raster the idea that he likes someone else, or that the distance is too much.. that he isn't good enough, or maybe that I'm not willing enough.. then it boils down to not even getting the chance to prove how wothy I actually am.. sitting here crying doesn't help any.. I have all but lost this battle, and somehow, I knew that it would happen.

Unknown "Pheonixphyre" Hopeless - 16 years, 6 months, 17 days ago

sometimes I wonder what love is all about... I get within reach of it, and find that it was empty or missunderstood.. why can't love just find me for once. My heart seems like a ball of yarn all unravelled and notted up.. I know someday that if I slowly takes the knots out that I could feel again.. that I wouldn't be a toy for men to play with, that they would wrap themselves with me, and somehow, we'd be happy...
Happiness is an unreachable cause... people strive for it every day and still there is something else that is keeping them from being totally happy. When I was in his arms, I was happy... to kow that he felt the same, or at least I thought he did. I'm starting to doubt if anyone could feel anything for me... that I could be more than a friend, more than a lover.. and yet, when I look in the mirror, I see a faded existance of a child... someone who is ripped apart from the reality that surrounds her. Yes, I said Child, my soul hasn't reached it's potential enough for me to be grown.. even though it is apparent that I have grown very much since childhood.
when I am with someone, I yearn for their touch, I seek the kisses in between the silences.. and I hope to find that someone thinks of me that way someday, that they feel what I feel, and want me completely as I am...
Unknown "Pheonixphyre" Hopeless - 16 years, 6 months, 22 days ago