TOMMY COOPERISMS
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood"
I said, "Where is he then?"
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said
"I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"
He said "You're closest"
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France
and the ticket seller said “Eurostar".
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
I went to my local Blockbusters and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
Unknown "gypsy girl" Feisty
- 16 years, 9 months, 8 days ago
