Doctors vs. Coaches
Former college basketball coach Abe Lemmons made the following observations concerning the differences between doctors and coaches:

- Doctors can bury their mistakes - Coaches still have theirs on scholarships.

- Finish last in your league and they call you an idiot - Finish last in medical school and they call you a doctor.

- Just once I'd like to see the win-loss records of doctors right out front where people can see them: Won ten, Lost three, Tied two.
Lori "LittleKitty" Lazy - 15 years, 6 months, 17 days ago

Card Mixup
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this...somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"
Lori "LittleKitty" Lazy - 15 years, 6 months, 17 days ago

Smartest Dog
A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer go out hunting in the woods one day. Each of them brings along his hunting dog, and they spend most of the morning arguing about which of the dogs is the smartest. Early in the afternoon, they discover a clearing in the forest. In the middle of the clearing is a large pile of animal bones.

Seeing the bones, the doctor turns to the others and says, "I'm going to prove to you two that my dog is the smartest. Watch this!"

He then calls his dog over and says, "Bones! See the bones? Go get 'em!" The dog rushes over to the pile, rummages around for a bit, and then proceeds to build a replica of the human skeleton, perfect down to the last detail. The doctor grins smugly; after all, his dog has just built a human skeleton from animal bones.

The engineer, however, is totally unimpressed. "That's nothing," he says. "Watch this." He calls his dog over, and points out the pile. "Bones! Get the bones!" The dog rushes over, tears down the skeleton, and in its place builds a perfect replica of the Eiffel Tower. It even has a little French flag waving at the top. The doctor is forced to agree that the engineer's dog is, in fact, smarter than his own.

The lawyer, however, is still not impressed. "My dog is smarter," he says. "Watch." He then calls his dog over, points to the pile, and says simply, "Bones." The dog rushes over to the pile, tears down the tower, eats half the bones, buries the other half, and takes the rest of the afternoon off.
Lori "LittleKitty" Lazy - 15 years, 6 months, 17 days ago

Excellent Skydiving Advice
Recently, I got to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.

One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

Our jumpmaster looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."
Lori "LittleKitty" Lazy - 15 years, 6 months, 17 days ago

Cranky Druggist
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist! He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be darned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.

"Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

"When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off.

"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.

"The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. "Well, Mister, I told her!"
Lori "LittleKitty" Lazy - 15 years, 6 months, 17 days ago