My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.


We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.


When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.


Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond...


Dumb ass!

Unknown "sexy" Playful - 16 years, 9 months, 18 days ago

A group of kindergarteners were trying very hard to become
accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on
NO baby talk!

"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding
them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN... You must remember to

use 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alec what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

[I love this] ...

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with
great pride, and said,

"Winnie the SHIT."

Unknown "sexy" Playful - 16 years, 9 months, 18 days ago

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOSH! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Unknown "sexy" Playful - 16 years, 9 months, 18 days ago

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
Unknown "sexy" Playful - 16 years, 9 months, 18 days ago

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W Y X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Unknown "sexy" Playful - 16 years, 9 months, 18 days ago