The Stars of Constantinople
"Mum, is heaven like a city?" I asked my mum this question when I was five years old when my mother was explaining to me that my nan had died.
Now when I am only thirty I can feel my candle burning down fast and it won't be long till I leave this world myself this question I asked my mum so long ago comes to mind.
In my eyes heaven is a city, city that has the name Constantinople, it's streets are made of marble and it is so beautiful it makes me want to cry. Maybe heaven isn't as I have envisioned it but I will always see it in this way.
I stare out the window and up into the skies, I wonder if these are the same stars as above the city that is heaven in my eyes. I run my fingers over my head that use to be filled with thick black hair but is now completely bald.
Me being sick has robbed me of all energy. To begin with I fought it but then I gave up, I couldn't fight any more. It was too hard. My body became weaker and weaker, eventually I chose to quit fighting and go through the chemo as it wasn't doing anything for me, they just prolonged my death.
Walking down the streets of Constantinople is getting more and more intriguing. The city lights are so beautiful in my mind. Seeing familiar faces of long lost friends and family. Not always having to walk around in a white dressing gown getting poked with needles and constantly told that I should try just one more drug.
I believe that the stars above Constantinople are my hopes and dreams, perhaps also my thoughts and imaginations. What if the stars are all that we have ever wanted to become but we haven't been able to be? I wish I knew.
My body is weak and I have to sit down before I fall to the floor like a doll. My limbs are weak and pale, I can't even use them for what I use to love. Once I was a traveller, explorer of the world. Once? It was only a few months ago, before they found out that I was dying. I had to give up all of my dreams.
Maybe I was never meant to live the life that I had started. I was happy and I was in love, but then I started to get sick. I started to get bruises from nothing at all so one out of two loves in my life asked me to go to the doctors and get them to check what was wrong.
I never expected that this would happen. That I would become this weak and without the will to live the short time I still have to spend with my loved ones. I've lost everyone and everything that I have loved. I pushed them away, how could I make them watch me turn into the shell of a man that I am now. How could I have asked them to stay by my side when I am laying here and can't do a thing. I want them to be happy.
Wiping the tears that run down my cheeks and pick up the book that I've started to write a letter in. It's for her, I want to be able to say good bye to her in my own way. I don't want anyone to talk on my behalf. I want it to be from my own heart. I want to say good bye to the ones that I love.
How can I tell her that I have given up and lost the will to live. She is only five years old and she won't understand why daddy won't be able to be with her any more. Perhaps I should tell her about Constantinople, my heaven and dream-world. Tell her that she is one of the stars above the city as she is my dream, I dream to see her grow up and be happy.
As I finish writing her letter I close the envelope and write her name on it and put it on top of a letter for her mother. I had to beg her forgiveness for being a coward. I know that she loves me just as much as I love her. I just couldn't let her see me like this.
I close my eyes and lay down to sleep. All around me I hear sounds, laughter, people talking. I open my eyes and stare up into the skies, up to the stars of Constantinople as I walk down its marble streets.
Viskan Lind "Viskan" Calm
- 16 years, 9 months, 29 days ago
