A man watching a hockey game on TV kept switching channels to an adult movie featuring a lusty couple. "I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.
"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said. "You already know how to play hockey!"
Andy "Handy-Andy" Adventurous - 14 years, 2 months, 6 days ago

After getting all of Pope's luggage loaded into his limo, his driver notices the Pope is still standing on the New York curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job. What if something should happen?'

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the His Holiness really floors it, accelerating the limo to 120 mph..

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh my God, I'm going to lose my license and my job!' thinks the driver.

The Pope pulls over and winds down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' says the cop. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 120 mph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop, his voice trembling.

The Chief then asked,

'So who exactly do you have there, the Mayor?' Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?' Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The President?' Cop: 'No, much bigger.'

'What!!,' said the Chief, 'so who the is it?' Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief almost explodes, 'Are you crazy?!! what on earth makes you think it's God?!!'

Cop: 'The Pope is his chauffeur!'
Andy "Handy-Andy" Adventurous - 14 years, 2 months, 6 days ago

From the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker - Billy Connolly

Statement to wrap up the decade just past!

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
Andy "Handy-Andy" Adventurous - 14 years, 2 months, 6 days ago

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment..'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.
Andy "Handy-Andy" Adventurous - 14 years, 2 months, 6 days ago

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we
were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
Andy "Handy-Andy" Adventurous - 14 years, 2 months, 6 days ago