The Penis Poem ~ My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out, What used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout. Time was when, on its own from my trousers would it spring, But from now it is a full time job to find the bloody thing! It used to be embarrassing the way it would behave, For every morning it would stand & watch me shave. Now as old age approaches it sure gives me the blues, To see it hang its little head & watch me tie my shoes.
Naomi "Sir Gawain's " Feisty - 13 years, 2 months, 8 days ago

Two married Men are out drinking one night when one turns to the other & says "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine & coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His friend looks at him & says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass & say 'How about a blowjob?' ...... and she's always sound asleep.
Naomi "Sir Gawain's " Feisty - 13 years, 2 months, 8 days ago

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive: Press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent: Ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities: Press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid: We know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional: Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive: It doesn't matter what number you press - no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic: Press 969696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder: Please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia: Press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number & your mother's maiden name.
If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9. If you have short term memory loss: Press 9.
If you have low self esteem: Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
Naomi "Sir Gawain's " Feisty - 13 years, 2 months, 8 days ago

A Man on his way home from the pub decides to take a short-cut through an unlit park.
A Woman approaches him & offers him sex for £5. The Man thinks to himself that this is a chance too good to miss, so hands over the £5. She leads him into a bush & they get under way. A Policeman happens to pass by, hears them at it & notices the bush shaking. He approaches, shines his torch on the pair & asks the Man what he's doing. The Man replies calmly "I'm just having sex with my Wife, officer. Do you mind?" The Officer responds "I'm sorry, I didn't realise it was your Wife." The Man quickly replies, "That's quite alright - until you shone your torch on her face, neither did I."
Naomi "Sir Gawain's " Feisty - 13 years, 2 months, 8 days ago

When her Hussband passed away, the Wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper but added that he had died of Gonorrhoea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned & complained bitterly "You know very well that he died of Diarrhoea, not Gonorrhoea." The Widow replied "Yes, I know that he died of Diarrhoea but, I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."
Naomi "Sir Gawain's " Feisty - 13 years, 2 months, 8 days ago