Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in
the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from
your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they
moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load of
clothes in and pulled the chain...we haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last
week; the first time for three days and the second time for four
days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle
Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the
buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were
really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your
father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found
out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle.
The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Ted fell in a whisky vat last week. Some men tried
to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drpwmed.
We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup
truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam
to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned
because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much
out of the normal has happened.

Love, Mom
Unknown Content - 16 years, 2 months, 28 days ago

In Honor of Stupid People . . .
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on Consumer goods.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
'Do not turn upside down..'

On Sainsbury's peanuts --
'Warning: contains nuts.'

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.'

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding --
'Product will be hot after heating.'

On a Sears hairdryer --
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos --
'You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.'

On a bar of Dove soap --
'Directions: Use like regular soap.'

On some Swanson frozen dinners --
'Serving suggestion: Defrost.'
But don't cook?

On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
'Do not iron clothes on body.'

On Nytol Sleep Aid --
'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'

On most brands of Christmas lights --
'For indoor or outdoor use only.'

On a Japanese food processor --
'Not to be used for the other use.'
What is the 'other' use?

On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.'

On a child's Superman costume --
'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.'

On a Swedish Chainsaw --
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'
Unknown Content - 16 years, 3 months, 4 days ago

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and lone liness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid s ilicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration and credit limit of spending spree.


JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

Unknown Content - 16 years, 3 months, 6 days ago

Three missionaries are taken hostage by a primitive tribe in the deepest, darkest lands of Africa.
The chief approaches the first missionary and says, "Choose death or Bulunga."
The first missionary, not wanting to die, replies, "Bulunga." Accordingly, he is dragged from the hut and is tied up, facing a pole. The natives appear one by one and perform anal sex with the bound missionary. Once the natives have finished their deeds, the missionary is untied and led away.
The chief then approaches the second missionary and says, "Choose death or Bulunga."
The second missionary, not wanting to die, also replies, "Bulunga." Accordingly, he too is dragged from the hut and is tied up, facing a pole. The natives appear one by one and perform anal sex with the bound missionary. Once the natives have finished their deeds, the missionary is untied and led away.
The third missionary, having witnessed the fates of the first two missionaries, decides that he wouldn’t be able to live with the humiliation.
The chief approaches the third missionary and says, "Choose death or Bulunga."
The third missionary replies, "Death!"
"Right then," says the chief, "Death by Bulunga!"
Unknown Content - 16 years, 4 months, 27 days ago

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and *very* satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"
"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other..."
Unknown Content - 16 years, 4 months, 27 days ago