I thought that I could get lost in a culture that would be so foreign to me that I would be so lost in its guts I would feel safe.
Strange how I u-turned from the need to know, to the one of being completely lost, in order to feel safe. Or is this just the last stage of discovering all who I am.
The try failed. The one I wanted didn’t want me. And the feeling I got is that he missed, like his predecessors, something in me. As if I wasn’t enough. There was something I didn’t have. They never said anything, so all I have are my own fears. And I fear that I could lack… ambition, the will to act, the need to act… the capacity to live, create, make…
I want to get lost. I want to hide from this light that shows all I fear I am as a bad.
I want to accept it as something that doesn’t bother me. I can make, I can create, I can live, just don’t push me. Don’t say I have to, that it’s the matter of life and death.
I did, so far, advance because I had to. And I am afraid to make plans, set goals, as clearly as they could be. It is already hard enough to live, without having to worry about the failure. I got out. I have all this freedom now. I need time to figure out what I want to do with it.
I wish I was a writer, I wish I was street-smart, I wish I was funnier.

from a wolf that went looking for himself
Unknown "Lootz" - 17 years, 4 days ago