Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
Unknown ">.<" Frisky - 16 years, 6 months, 21 days ago

“GOOD morning, ladies and gentlemen. We are delighted to welcome you aboard Veritas Airways, the airline that tells it
like it is. Please ensure that your seat belt is fastened, your seat back is upright and your tray-table is stowed.
At Veritas Airways, your safety is our first priority. Actually, that is not quite true: if it were, our seats would
be rear-facing, like those in military aircraft, since they are safer in the event of an emergency landing. But then
hardly anybody would buy our tickets and we would go bust.

The flight attendants are now pointing out the emergency exits. This is the part of the announcement that you might
want to pay attention to. So stop your sudoku for a minute and listen: knowing in advance where the exits are makes
a dramatic difference to your chances of survival if we have to evacuate the aircraft. Also, please keep your seat
belt fastened when seated, even if the seat-belt light is not illuminated. This is to protect you from the risk of
clear-air turbulence, a rare but extremely nasty form of disturbance that can cause severe injury. Imagine the heavy
food trolleys jumping into the air and bashing into the overhead lockers, and you will have some idea of how nasty it
can be. We don't want to scare you. Still, keep that seat belt fastened all the same.

Your life-jacket can be found under your seat, but please do not remove it now. In fact, do not bother to look for it
at all. In the event of a landing on water, an unprecedented miracle will have occurred, because in the history of
aviation the number of wide-bodied aircraft that have made successful landings on water is zero. This aircraft is
equipped with inflatable slides that detach to form life rafts, not that it makes any difference. Please remove high-heeled
shoes before using the slides. We might as well add that space helmets and anti-gravity belts should also be removed,
since even to mention the use of the slides as rafts is to enter the realm of science fiction.

Please switch off all mobile phones, since they can interfere with the aircraft's navigation systems. At least, that's
what you've always been told. The real reason to switch them off is because they interfere with mobile networks on the
ground, but somehow that doesn't sound quite so good. On most flights a few mobile phones are left on by mistake, so if
they were really dangerous we would not allow them on board at all, if you think about it. We will have to come clean
about this next year, when we introduce in-flight calling across the Veritas fleet. At that point the prospect of taking
a cut of the sky-high calling charges will miraculously cause our safety concerns about mobile phones to evaporate.

On channel 11 of our in-flight entertainment system you will find a video consisting of abstract imagery and a new-age
soundtrack, with a voice-over explaining some exercises you can do to reduce the risk of deep-vein thrombosis. We are
aware that this video is tedious, but it is not meant to be fun. It is meant to limit our liability in the event of
lawsuits.

Once we have reached cruising altitude you will be offered a light meal and a choice of beverages—a word that sounds so
much better than just saying ‘drinks’, don't you think? The purpose of these refreshments is partly to keep you in your
seats where you cannot do yourselves or anyone else any harm. Please consume alcohol in moderate quantities so that you
become mildly sedated but not rowdy. That said, we can always turn the cabin air-quality down a notch or two to help ensure
that you are sufficiently drowsy.

After take-off, the most dangerous part of the flight, the captain will say a few words that will either be so quiet
that you will not be able to hear them, or so loud that they could wake the dead. So please sit back, relax and enjoy
the flight. We appreciate that you have a choice of airlines and we thank you for choosing Veritas, a member of an
incomprehensible alliance of obscure foreign outfits, most of which you have never heard of. Cabin crew, please make
sure we have remembered to close the doors. Sorry, I mean: ‘Doors to automatic and cross-check’. Thank you for flying
Veritas.”


Unknown ">.<" Frisky - 16 years, 7 months, 18 days ago

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the
aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before
the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded
(marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.


P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.


And the best one for last..................


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


Unknown ">.<" Frisky - 16 years, 7 months, 18 days ago

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone

When dining with Royalty, it is customary to stop eating when they have finished whether you have finished or not.

Sigourney Weaver's dad, Pat, is said to be one of only two people who know the exact recipe for Coca Cola.

The acronym I.O.U. actually stands for 'Is Owed Unto'.

The only word in the English language that ends in '-MT' is 'Dreamt'.

The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump.

If you dream about cucumber it is meant to foretell romance.

Because of the rotation of the earth, an object can be thrown further if thrown west.

Time magazine's 'Man of the Year' for 1938 was Adolph Hitler.

The average salary in the UK is £25,000. If you earn this, you are richer than 97% of the rest of the world.

Walt Disney holds the record for most Oscars won (26) and most nominations received (64).

Ringtones now account for 10 per cent of the world's music market, generating a staggering $3bn.

What do Sir Jimmy Savile, Garry Bushell, Jamie Theakstone and Carol Vorderman have in common? They're all members of Mensa.

Average number of Americans killed annually by vending machines falling on them: 13

James Bond is half-Swiss. According to Ian Fleming's You Only Live Twice, Bond was the son of a Scottish father,
Andrew Bond, and a Swiss mother, Monique Delacroix, both of whom died in a climbing accident.

The record distance for a human fired from a cannon is 57 metres.

It takes approximately two million flowers for a bee to make 1 lb of honey.

A peanut is not a nut. It is a legume.

Your body contains 60,000 miles of blood vessels

The following celebrities were cheerleaders at college;
Teri Hatcher (Freemount High, San Francisco),
Sandra Bullock (Arlington, Virginia),
Raquel Welch (San Diego),
Cameron Diaz (Long Beach High)
And George W Bush (Phillips Academy, Massachusetts)!
Unknown ">.<" Frisky - 16 years, 7 months, 18 days ago

Awesomeness-When you get sad,stop being sad and be awesome instead
Unknown ">.<" Frisky - 16 years, 7 months, 18 days ago