mary is an amazing person. i loved her, and that's something that i'll never regret. i don't regret anything about our relationship or friendship..i just wish that she would have held me as high in her eye as i held her in my eye. i'm just shocked the person i fell for, changed so much or had such a side that i didnt know..it hurts, and it will, but one day, i think she's going to regret what happened...or this cold and callous person she's become might just stay, i don't know, i hope that glow that drew me to her sparks again, and that, people see her as more then an attention piece. i'm done being the guy that get's treated like shit because i'm too nice to believe that the person that i love is actually cheating on me, with people that i wouldn't want cleaning my shoes, let alone befriend...true, some did fool me, despite the fact that they're all assholes, i guess i wasn't as pretty as some assholes can be...my mistake
Kyle Sean "Red Panda" Emo - 16 years, 2 months, 10 days ago

...what hurts now, is that smile...i remember how i could make her smile like that, now, it's like i don't even get the chance....this pain, throbbing within me; how? why? for what reason am i cursed with this pain? i guess, just like she didn't think about what it could do, i didn't think about what my choice would do, to me...

i have left myself with this burden, this burden of woe, lust, pain, jealousy, and loneliness..

without the center of a circle, there is no circle, and for so long, i had found that center of my circle, and, it made me whole...but now, i am without my center, and i need something now to see me as whole, because, when i see myself, i am as broken and as fragmented as a first grade essay, written by a child with down syndrome...no point, no story, and no purpose..just a gold star and a 'great job' stamp, from someone who applauds the effort, but sees little success.....

so as i wait, wait for this something or someone, i wonder, if it's already come and went from the line of sight that i rely so much on...when will i see that smile again, that smile that only i thought was saved for me...yet, my success with that smile is no more, that smile belongs to someone else now, and i am left with, only that gold star, and that 'great job' stamp, from someone that sees the effort, but also sees the lack of point or meaning...
..tomorrow is a new day, but, neither tomorrow nor the following days, will i see that smile, saved just for me, i won't see it ever again...because now, it's not mine, it's HIS..since i am no more, someone worth that smile..HE is
Kyle Sean "Red Panda" Emo - 16 years, 3 months, 12 days ago

"Today is the first day, of the rest of your life." some inspiritational poster from the 70's but, though that cliche is, a cliche...it does hold value to those who may wish that today is the last day of the rest of their lives...
I, myself, am but only 17, and today was an average day, for a teenager, like myself, here in California. I did chores and watched TV...called a friend that couldn't talk long, because there was another friend to hang out with...as i sink deeper and deeper into a state of lonliness, my friends still make little effort to help...
i'm at a loss because, i'm lonely for friends that i don't have, and the friends that i do have seemingly don't want me around, and then wonder why i feel unwanted. i know that, to get myself out of a hole like this, there needs to be a pretty compelling reason...if not compelling, something more, except all the 'more' in my life that i had, is kinda gone, and i don't know where to go from here.
some are worried about me, and some just don't care, but, i just want a place where i can be comfortable being me, and a place where people are comfortable being themselves around me..i want a group of friends, a team if you will, that enjoys a variety of different things and enjoys them with the variety of people they're surrounded by.
i know it's a lot to ask from the kid who, to many, seems like he doesn't have a lot to offer...i am just tired of this empty hole in the center of my chest, this vacuum of negative energy that seems to pull me futher down every day...
i want to like who i am, it's just hard when so many people can't stand me...i'm not popular, i'm not going out with the most popular girl in school, and i'm not the person people go to for comfort...i'm just a guy that lacks the bare necessities of friendship, loyalty, trust, and good, old-fashioned fucking around...
i'm not a bad guy, just a guy that missed something growing up, and now, i have to deal with that, all by myself...or be subject to the many in my area that do drugs till they're retarded, which i don't want...
but every day, that pulling force in my chest steers me toward a life that i don't want to live, i am taken from the island of no one to the room of everyone that doesn't care...and neither are fun places

i just wish going home felt like i was going home...but it's just a battle ground for feud, conflict and people that don't know how to love one another...i want more then this and the only person that can do that is me..
i don't know what i want to do, and i don't know where i want to go, i just know what i want when i grow up into a self-successful, self-motivated, self-aware individual, that's happy with the choice made, and delighted to live out tomorrow's mystery...i am me, and i may not be sheltered from the hurt and pain of this world, but i am me, and i am in one FUCKED situation...that only i can get myself out of..
wish me luck
Kyle Sean "Red Panda" Emo - 16 years, 4 months, 4 days ago

i hate being this way...i hate being jealous of random guys just because they're random guys...it's like i get ignored for these random guys and it's annoying that attention can't be taken from them to say goodnight to me...and it's annoying that i have to keep going in this fucking circle. i have to avoid the whole topic and there's nothing i'd rather do than just say 'no more' but, to say that wouldn't be right...and i'd rather be jealous then be the asshole i'd be if i said 'no more'...I just don't want to have to go there, it's not something that i'm looking forward to doing, but, it would have to start really getting to me before i suggest such a thing...hope all works out, really i do...


Kyle Sean "Red Panda" Emo - 16 years, 8 months, 1 day ago