ITS FRIGGIN WAR 1/3

Flibbert had signed the dotted line and was now cannon fodder for the Flittish Barmy and he was really really begining to smeggin' hate it. "FUCK ME BLIND" shouted Flibbert his ears ringing from the blast of the cheese grenade that he had narrowly escaped. "WHO IN THE NAME OF MERLIN'S LEFT TESTICLE TAKES CHEESE AND WEAPONISES IT?" Flibbert wasn't in the best of moods he had only an hour ago had to sew one of his ear lobes back on after a rather savage ostrich and nibbled it off. They were at war against the Nazi Gnomes and they used all kinds of unlikely weapons. The key to winning this war would be to take out its leader Osama Gnome Laden only he was hidden in an impenitrable fortress surrounded by guard badgers and 10,000 pissed off battery llamas. Flibbert was thankful for one thing though, he wasn't all alone, he had managed to convince Bung face and Dill hole his two best friend to join with him. "I can't believe you tricked us into signing up for this complete and utter bollocks Flibbert you tit faced bollock hair!" "I thought we were off
to watch those dudes that can do anything with their nobs....I like the one where he wraps it around his wrist and calls his nob a watch haha...but no I'm here being cheesed to buggery". Bung face was not a happy chappy, nor was Dill hole. As pissed off as the lads were displeased with to Flibberts trickery, they were still happy to be together...at times.
"GRENADE" screamed Dill hole as he dived heroicly onto a fellow soldier so as to protect them from the blast, this wasn't just any soldier though, no this was Leanne, she was one sexy elf, and this wasn't the first time Dill hole had protected her from incoming grenades....grenades that didn't exist, Dill hole just wanted to be on her. "Oh my mistake Leanne I thought I heard a grenade coming"Get off me you fat twat bag, this is the 3rd time in the last hour you've thrust your nob in my direction and pinned me to the ground, do it again and I will rip your heart out through your knee caps" she then twatted him in the face and kicked him in the pancreas. "My sweet dick it's magic" shouted Flibbert rolling around on the floor laughing his tits off, he did so enjoy watching girls kicking the stuffing out of Dill hole. He was also pleased to buggery because he thought Leanne had a cracking arse and perfectly formed boobs that he wanted to bury his head in and
just cry with happiness, either that or shake his head from side to side and blow raspberrys. this thought was interupted by a freightening occurance
BAAAANNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!! there was a massive explosion and a thick cloud of smokey dusty shit enveloped them...........TO BE CONTINUED!!
Unknown "spider dijon" Crazy - 15 years, 11 months, 17 days ago

FLIBBERT DOBBALDIG SIGNS HIS LIFE AWAY!

It was a bright and sunny day here in the peaceful town of Pardock...Which was much to Flibbert's disliking "Ah my fookin bastard head" moaned Flibbert, he had just accidentally pulled the blanket from his face and the fierce rays of the sun beasted his tiny blood shot alcohol riddled eyes.
Flibbert felt like there was a severely pissed off badger stuck in his head trying to scratch its way out, "Shit off badger" he said to himself.
As if that was the worst of poor Flibbert's worries...."Good morning you sexual elfish bastard" whispered a hoarse battered voice in his ear. Flibbert shit him sen, he slowly turned around slowly and fearfully in the hope that the bird's face wasn't as knackered as her throat. "FUCK ME SIDE WAYS WITH A FISH FORK!! WHAT KIND OF HELL SPAWN ARE YOU WOMAN? ARE YOU A WOMAN? ARE YOU FOOK! YOU SIR ARE A SWAMP DONKEY...A PROPER GROGG POT!!!" Flibbert couldn't believe what he was looking at and he knew what he'd been up to as he had a fierce elfish hardon that wasn't going any time soon, usually the result of 8 hours of rumpy pumpy.
The poor elf girl was terribly affronted and twatted Flibbert in his fat little face...that was the last he saw of her,
Flibbert woke up 3 days later at the Pardock hospital in A & EB (Accident and Elfish Beating). He awoke to a chorus of laughter!! "Morning you wussy shandy pandy woofter...you got served!!!...by a girl...granted she looked like a troll but I'm not gonna start pickin hairs!" Flibbert was humiliated
"GO SUCK AN ELF BUNGFACE YOU FUGLY ARSE HEAD, I AM NOT IN THE MOOD"

A further 3 days later after the doctors replaced Flibberts spleen, pancreas and his left ear lobe they let him go. Flibbert so humiliated and ashamed decided this was a turning point in his life "I am going to serve my country and redeem myself, I will have my dignity once again" he shouted to the Gods and proceeded to the Flittish Barmy careers centre...

TO BE CONTINUED.....
Unknown "spider dijon" Crazy - 16 years, 18 days ago

FLIBBERT DOBBALDIG'S DAY OUT!

Once upon a time there was an elf that wanted some cheese, and so he set off on his merry way down the steep cobbled path that cut straight through the peaceful town of Pardock toward his local cheesery.
Upon arrival he heard an all too familiar voice chanting at him form across the bar "OI FLIBBERT! YOU ELFISH CHEESE LOVING BASTARD, SIT YOURSELF DOWN OVER HERE LAD AND LETS KNOCK THE FROTH OFF A COUPLE OF CHEESEY BEERS!"
"Good friggin idea me old cocker spaniel, lip stick wearing, trouser browsing son of a gnome!"
And so Flibbert went to the bar "I'll have a pint of cheeseweiser a shot of stilton and a fookin pint of cheesingtons extra mature please!"
He sat down with his mates Dill hole and Bungface and got absolutely frikkin cheese muntered, went home beat there wives and they all lived happily ever after.

The End

S. Blackwood (A FOOKIN GOOD AUTHOR!)
Unknown "spider dijon" Crazy - 16 years, 20 days ago