God appears to a man and says he'll have to quit fags, drink and sex if he wants to go to heaven. A week later God reappears to the man and asks him how it's going.....

Mans says "The fags and drink were easy to give up but when my wife bent over to take the meat out of the freezer, I couldn't resist; I had to give her one there and then".

God says "They don't like that sort of thing in heaven". Man replies "They don't like it in the Supermarket either......"
Unknown "sxy cheeky chimp" Cheeky - 16 years, 8 months, 6 days ago

A wife gets naked and asks her husband - "What turns you on more; my pretty face or my sexy body?" Husband looks her up and down and replies "Your sense of humour!"
Unknown "sxy cheeky chimp" Cheeky - 16 years, 8 months, 6 days ago

A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm, looks at his wife and says "This is the pig I have to sleep with when you're not up for sex!".

His wife says "I think you'll find that's a sheep". He replies "I'll think you'll find I was talking to the sheep"!!!
Unknown "sxy cheeky chimp" Cheeky - 16 years, 8 months, 6 days ago

SING IT GIRLS =

At first I was afraid, I was petrified. When you said you had ten inches, Lord I almost died!

But I'd spent so many years just waiting to see a man that long, that I grew strong, and I knew I could take you on....

But there you are, another lie. I was ready for a Big Mac but you brought me a french frie!

I should have known that it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream. Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those jeans!

Go on now go, walk out the door. Don't you promise me ten inches then turn up with only four!

Weren't you a prat to think I wouldn't find you out? Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count?

I will survive! I will survive! Cos as long as I have batteries, my sex lifes gonna thrive!

I will always have good sex, with a handful of latex! I will survive! I will survive!!! Hey hey
Unknown "sxy cheeky chimp" Cheeky - 16 years, 8 months, 6 days ago

A guy hires a Hitman to kill his wife of 40 years.

The Hitman says "I will shoot her just below her left tit".

Husband replies "I want her dead not bloody kneecapped!!"
Unknown "sxy cheeky chimp" Cheeky - 16 years, 8 months, 6 days ago