Myths of the Animal Kingdom (No.3 in an occasional series) by David Watson

"You can't fight the moonlight. Oh no, you can't fight it. The night is gonna get to you"

And so another Canadian warbler falls into the trap of propogating a blatant falsehood. This time the guilty party is Canadian caterwauler, Leann Rimes, a C & W nonentity who sang this appropriately execrable number on the soundtrack to the hilariously atrocious high-camp trash-fest that is "Coyote Ugly".

Whilst I will concede that the phases of the moon do appear to influence animal behaviour at a primeval level, it is clear that Ms Rimes is not addressing your average badger with this song. No, she is disingenuously targeting impressionable adolescents with the dangerous message that promiscuity can be ascribed to the full moon.

In fact, the lunar cycle has only been shown to influence human behaviour in those rare cases of individuals who suffer from the distressing condition of lycanthropy. Current estimates suggest that at most 0.005% of the population carry the recessive gene that can give rise to this affliction. As such, Ms Rimes might just as meaningfully be singing "You can't fight the sunlight" for the benefit of all the vampires out there!

Interestingly though, as an addendum to the above, medical science has recently shed light on a phenomenon in the human female known as menstruation. In a curious parallel to the lunar cycle, it would appear that women experience internal bleeding on a monthly basis (called "the period" or colloquially "time of the month"). Fanciful though this sounds, there is a growing body of evidence to support its existence. Research into links with lycanthropy is still ongoing.*

*With thanks to Prof. Wolfgang von Wolf of the Wolfsburg Institute of Werewolfism.


Unknown "Daring Dave" Ferocious - 16 years, 2 months, 29 days ago

Myths of the Animal Kingdom (No. 2 in an occasional series) by David Watson

"Give a hundred monkeys a hundred typewriters and they will eventually produce the Complete Works of Shakespeare."

Firstly, I would like to make clear that I yield to no-one in my respect for the capabilites (literary or otherwise) of our simian cousins. Indeed, were they to become our masters as posited in the Planet of the Apes series of films, I think it would usher in a new age of peace and prosperity (rather than the repressive totalitarian regime depicted therein).

However, to suggest that monkeys would happily sit at typewriters bashing away at the keys is naive to say the least, irrespective of the quantityof bananas proffered as bribes. Indeed, close observation of our fellow primates leads to the inescapable conclusion that the typewriters would be used either as missiles or impromptu toilets. Which unless you think Shakespeare's work equates to faecal projectiles is hardly a close aproximation.
Unknown "Daring Dave" Ferocious - 16 years, 3 months, 19 days ago

Myths of the Animal Kingdom (No.1 in an occasional series) by David Watson

"I'm like a bird. I'll only fly away." This myth was perpetrated by Canadian/Portuguese songstress Nelly Furtado and is a clear misreading of avian behaviour. The plain fact of the matter is that the majority of birds live in localised habitats and those that do "fly away" actually conform to very strict patterns of migration and breeding.

Acknowledgements: Dr Stuart Sharp of Cambridge University whose seminal work on Life history, demography and kin selection in social birds was most instructive.
Unknown "Daring Dave" Ferocious - 16 years, 3 months, 26 days ago

Hibernation: A life in Seasonal Solitude by David Watson

Warm, so warm. Why must I leave this snug burrow I have so lovingly constructed for myself? The chill easterly wind is blowing and it is not yet time for me to emerge, rejuvenated, from my glorious isolation. And yet. And yet...

Society knows nothing of the seasonal rhythms of the animal kingdom. It does not understand those ancient forces that existed long before its airports and shopping centres. It demands only that we consume until we ourselves are consumed. This year, society, I will defy you.
Unknown "Daring Dave" Ferocious - 16 years, 4 months, 1 day ago

The remorse of the Chocolate Junkie by David Watson

How many more times, he wondered, as he staggered over to the mirror and gazed in disgust at the chocolate-smeared visage peering out at him. Turning back to look at the room behind him, the havoc of another chocolate binge was clear to see. The empty wrappers and cloudy jars were not the spoils of a glorious victory that he had envisaged those few brief minutes ago. Rather they were a reminder of his weakness, his frailty, his susceptibility to the siren call of 40% minimum cocoa solids. And it was then that he began to weep.
Unknown "Daring Dave" Ferocious - 16 years, 4 months, 10 days ago