Sometimes, when I look at my children,
I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:
"No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw
that statement.
-- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and
a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife,
you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was
SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap..
-- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things
that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down
if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . As you grow older,
it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts
to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out
Unknown "Master" Content
- 16 years, 4 months, 2 days ago
