Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.


A friend has this on her tales – I decided to put it on mine as this piece evokes many memories both good and sad. Most of all it reminds me of her as it was Sarah who gave me this poem at a sad time in my life – she will never know just how much it ment to me or how much it helped. Thank you for being there when I really needed a friend Sarah xx


Unknown "Mayhem " Nervous - 15 years, 9 months, 24 days ago

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
Unknown "Mayhem " Nervous - 16 years, 24 days ago

It's all in the wording. . . . .
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was
finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances,
living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently" she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then
leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
Unknown "Mayhem " Nervous - 16 years, 24 days ago

Dear Cats,

We need to talk. When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two cats in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but feline sarcasm.

My compact discs are not toys for you and your friends to play with.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years and I know that feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It should be such a simple change for you.

Sincerely,

I just live here.

Unknown "Mayhem " Nervous - 16 years, 1 month, 1 day ago

If you're stressing out, here are some comments you can use to help articulate your mood to others...

1. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
2. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
3. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes
on my cat.
4. And your cry baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
5. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
8. Earth is full. Go home.
9. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
10. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
11. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
12. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
13. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
14. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
15. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
16. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
17. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
18. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
19. Is it time for your medication or mine?
20. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
21. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
Unknown "Mayhem " Nervous - 16 years, 1 month, 1 day ago