The Path

I frequently make comments about The Path, but I realise that I don't ever really explain what I mean when I say it. I don't mean for it to contain any unnecessary mystery, I just don't stop and think about the fact that I'm using my own personal terms.

The Path is what I see coming before me and before many others. How clearly I see The Path depends on a variety of factors, but the closer I am to someone the more that I seem to see.

It is that force that one taps into when doing divination, that spiritual travel itinerary that can be opened and perused. I don't always choose to do so for myself or others, but when I do it is usually with a certain sense of urgency and necessity. Other times it merely opens itself up to me and spills all it knows before I even have a chance to say no.

I see The Path and so I know how to not only walk upon it, but how to alter its direction (at least in terms of my own Path.) The Paths of others are there for them to alter themselves, but I always warn them that unless they too can clearly see where The Path goes and how it works that attempting to make too large an alteration can be a very dangerous thing.

For a while now, my Path has been very steady. Certainly, it has been unrelenting and difficult, but I always know where it is heading. This is not a Path of my initial choosing, but I have made MY choices along the way. None of the choices I have made were easy ones, but the options from which to choose weren't easy in the first place. I wonder now why this was The Path that I was given, this one loaded with the brambles of so many complications. I am afraid that my answers wait at the end of The Path along with that which I have earned by traveling it.
Unknown "bluebelle" Inspired - 16 years, 8 months, 25 days ago

Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back in the Water

Do you ever find that just when you have steeled yourself to the fact that things are preceding at their assigned pace that they suddenly just screech to a halt?

I'm having one of those feelings right now. I was feeling as though everything was going forth as anticipated. I was being relatively patient and understanding. I was accepting of the cards which I had been dealt and ready to act with the grace and aplomb necessary to get me through it all. Then...out of nowhere...screech. Now what the hell is this all about?!

I wasn't aware that I had somehow fucked up. I wasn't being greedy or impatient or pushy or childish. I was sucking it up. I was putting on the mantle of acceptance and fortitude...putting on my big girl panties. So what did I do? Is it me or the other factors at work? Has something sent it all awry and I can't see where and when it happened?

I know, all I'm asking is questions, but frankly I feel a bit stumped. Maybe ten minutes from now, I'll get a confirmation that everything really is okay. Unitil then, I'm stewing in a hearty brew of anxiety and depression. Maybe this week has just been a bit too much, too many highs coupled with too many lows. I'm crashing under the extremity of it all.

I think I need some sleep. Maybe everything will look somehow different in the morning.

Unknown "bluebelle" Inspired - 16 years, 9 months, 8 days ago

The Star Card

Hope. It seems as though we spend our lives either chasing after it or dashing it on the rocks. It is the one thing I always find myself good at, even when I don't want to be.

I keep hoping for things. Often, I get lucky. My imaginings come through just as I pictured them. Other times, I mostly get what I want with a little strange twist that I didn't anticipate and maybe didn't even really want. The worst is when it all goes awry and I'm left with this sense of loss, of failure that I didn't see coming. Those hard losses tend to leave one a little jaded.

So here I am wondering how one can hope without potentially suffering the kind of loss that one is left with when things don't turn out. I want to comfort myself with my daydreams and not feel the sting when everything goes differently than I ever imagined. I want to feel secure in my belief that hoping was still the answer even when things went wrong.

If we do, in fact, create our own destiny then I want to shape mine filled with hope. I want it to overflow the bounds with which we try to restrict so much in our lives. I want hope to be like air and water, breathed in fully, drunk deeply. But it's hard. It hurts just a little too much to hope with such ardor, to abandon the safety of knowing everything will turn out horribly. We find ourselves thinking it will be so much easier to forgive ourselves for being wrong about the awful outcome than it is to be wrong about the bright one.

But alas, I'm filled with hope. Like a river of hope I am. I am the star on the tarot card, dipping her urn in the river of dreams. May I be blessed with fulfillment.


Unknown "bluebelle" Inspired - 16 years, 10 months, 7 days ago

Oceans

I was thinking today about the difficult complexities of love. We all have such a varied capacity to give and receive it. But I would never say that love really has a limit, rather that we limit ourselves. Some of us give love with ease and grace and generosity. Others of us hold love so close to us, so greedily, that we never even imagine giving it out without a rigorous screening process. Some sad few never imagine giving it out at all. Of course, this is rather oversimplifying things.

I tend to be quite the moderate when it comes to giving love. Not that I give love in moderation, but rather that I am moderate about just how many people I give it to. I am always cautious with my trust of others (the nature of growing up with an angry bipolar mother.) When I finally decide that I trust someone enough to truly love them, then for me there are no real limits, I am limited only by the depth of my love for them.

The thing about depths of love is that you can't predict or choose how deep they go. Certainly, we are well meaning in our attempts to modulate those depths, but how can you really control something so like the ocean? We are swept out into those depths of love with no way to change the factors and filled with the terrifying fear of losing ourselves in the vastness of it. We are lost and disoriented, drowning in seas of joy and pain.

Love is not a simple thing limited by the barriers and parameters that we set up in our minds. We are constantly shown that it has no predictive nature. We all imagine those perfect people that we will love or, even worse, the perfect people that we will FALL in love with. If it was all that simple, we could post up want ads for friends and lovers and never have to bother ourselves with the complex ebb and flow of real life. Often, we get swept up in the tide of love without even realising how far out into the unknown we have been taken. We suddenly recognize that we have fallen for someone we never expected to because they do not fit the model we had set up in our minds. At other times, we end up loving those whom everyone (including ourselves) had predicted with a rather disturbing canniness.

Seeing all these variations, complications, frustrations, and strange examples of serendipity in my life and the lives of others; may leave me with a bit of a sense of floundering in waters beyond my complete kenning, but how could I ever imagine any sort of real and true love without them.
Unknown "bluebelle" Inspired - 16 years, 10 months, 13 days ago

Chrysalis

Something is in the air. The cocoons around us are creaking and stretching and reshaping as we speak. Everywhere I look, we are all encased in our shimmering pupae. This seems to be the coming of a season of rebirth for us all. Not a single one of my friends is not experiencing some metamorphosis, some unexpected change in their life, self, love, or environment.

It is no wonder that I am rambling about self-realisation and roads traveled, when it has become so all encompassing in the past few weeks and months. Most of us are no where near finished with our gestation, but there has been a certain stirring and fluttering lately among all us burgeoning butterflies. We have grown restless in our shells, uncertain of our desire to complete a process that seems so limiting and constrictive, while at the same time we have grown desperate to fulfill all those things that we must in order to make our way out and through into the dawn of our new lives.

There has been much making of amends. Those who were silent and unobserved for so long, have shown their heads and made themselves seen. Truces, understandings, apologies, and affirmations have been offered left and right to all those to whom we have perceived we owe them. All this work has been needed for so long and yet now it has come to a miraculous head all at once.

Perhaps the flip-side is out there, the comeuppance finally collecting its debt. Somewhere our enemies will be born into either their punishment or their redemption. They will either pay what they owe or suffer the consequences of actions too long held unchecked. But no matter what comes for anyone else, we can only mind our own development.

So why this catharsis when we have been so complacent for so long? Honestly, I don't know. I'm only relieved that it is finally happening, that we are all at last awakening into our lives. I still rail at my fetters, but I know that I must serve out my sentence so that I may emerge at the end as something more whole, complete, and beautiful.
Unknown "bluebelle" Inspired - 16 years, 10 months, 13 days ago