The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there
came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away
at once, eyes wide with alarm.
"Heavens," she cried, "it's my husband! Quick, jump out the window."
The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window,
then demurred. "I can't," he said, "we're on the thirteenth floor."
"For heaven's sake," cried the young lady in exasperation,
"is this a time to be superstitious?"

Unknown "♣princess♣ " Sparkling - 16 years, 9 months, 27 days ago

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally
found inner peace ...

The article read:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've
started."

So I looked around the house to see all the things that I started and
hadn't finished ... and before coming to work this morning I finished
off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and
Tia Maria, a couple of valiums, three cigars and a box of
chocolates.

You have no idea how freakin good I feel!

Unknown "♣princess♣ " Sparkling - 16 years, 9 months, 27 days ago

The Wipe-Up

Find a friend who likes to show off or prove himself all the time, then
tell them you have a test of speed and reaction for them and that you
think you are faster. what you do is pour some water on a tile floor (a
puddle about 10" wide works well), grab a fork and a towel and tell them
you think you can wipe up the water before they poke you with the fork.
Also tell them that you are really quick and to make it fair they need to
sit on the floor near the puddle with their legs spread to the sides so
the puddle is between their knees. Here is where the fun stuff comes in,
tell them to go on three, then start counting (all the while you are
holding the towel) one - two - th....grab their feet and drag their ass
through it... lol

Unknown "♣princess♣ " Sparkling - 16 years, 9 months, 27 days ago

Weight Control

Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per
hour they consume.

Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around
(depending on your weight). . . .50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
Unknown "♣princess♣ " Sparkling - 16 years, 9 months, 27 days ago

$200 Bucks It Is...

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

" No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Unknown "♣princess♣ " Sparkling - 16 years, 9 months, 27 days ago