Oh what to say what to say I wonder... I guess Im at a point in my life where I dont know where to go or what to do. Right now Im doing an English and Anthro double major with no idea as to which I want to pursue... It seems like everything is going down hill. Im not happy, barely scraping by since all the hope Ive had has just seemed to dissipate and Im lost all alone and confused as to what to do. I feel like I need someone right now but theres no one. None of my good friends are the one I want to turn to since the one I want probable doesnt even know I exist anymore. It feels like theres no point anymore. No point in doing what Ive been doing, no reason to try and fake the smiles and laughs like Ive been doing for the past few months.... no point... Never thought Id be like this really never did but what can you do? They say to go talk with someone... well I dont have the money to go and do that since Im uberly tight on money. My family can barely go out and do the things normal people do because the lil store we have has been getting bad business.. Prolly wont be able to afford grad school without taking out a whole bunch of loans. I already have thousands of dollars in loans in my name and Im barely twenty here.. What am I gonna do? seriously what the hell am I supposed to do. I see no point anymore. All I see is hate, racism, abuse all this crap but nothing else... and when I do see someone happy I feel jealous.. I feel like well what did they do to get what they have and be happy while I have shit. Why am I like this? Dont I deserve some happiness in my life?
Silver "Dead" Hopeless - 15 years, 9 months, 3 days ago

So Im realizing that my life is never going to change unless I do something about it. one of those things is def to get rid of this app. The people I have met here have been amazing... just when they want to be thats all. People are different from their online persona and their real life one and Im startin to get that I dont need an online persona anymore. I have a great set of friends right now that are gonna be there for me and with time hopefully I can find someone to share my life with. Now while others have found love on HP, which Im happy for you guys, I really havent and dont think I ever will. Had one seriously relationship online with a guy on here and it turned out that I got my heart broken. Nope no guy yet to come and help me fix it but who knows maybe someday. Kinda skeptical but hey ya never know. So this is goodbye from me HP. Goodbye to the dramatic crap I went through, goodbye to the people I thought were my friends though we never talked outside of this realm, goodbye to the lying cheating people who live to get attention. sadly goodbye to the people who are actually nice and kind, sorry I never got to meet you. goodbye to... everything I guess. Im trusting my instincts here by doing this and hopefully it will lead me onto my rightful path. And the people who do care about me actually know how to contact me and thats all that matters. Your real friends are always gonna be there for you no matter what and I think Ive found my real ones just now. If you can consider yourself one of them than you know how to reach me one way or another.

Goodbye to those who care, who actually may remember me. Like Ive said before and always believed, if you love me, you love me, But if you hate me than theres nothing I can do to change it because for one thing I will always be me.
Silver "Dead" Hopeless - 16 years, 21 days ago

Every Day Is Exactly The Same
By Nine Inch Nails

I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
Then again
That might have been a dream

I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
And I just do what i've been told
I really don't want
Them to come around

Oh no

Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no Love here
And there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same

I can feel their eyes are watching
Incase I lose myself again
Sometimes I think i'm happy here
Sometimes
Yet I still pretend

I can't remember how this got started
But I can tell you
Exactly
How it will end

Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no Love here
And there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same

I'm writing on a little piece of paper
I'm hopeing someday I might find
Well i'll hide it behind something
They wont look behind

I am still inside
A little bit comes bleeding through
I wish this could've been any other way
But I just don't know
I don't know
What else I can do

Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no Love here
And there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no Love here
And there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
Silver "Dead" Hopeless - 16 years, 1 month, 9 days ago

Ok so here I am at nine in the morn shivering my ass off not knowing what the is going on with me. Last nite... last nite was really really bad... Couldnt stop shivering at all even tho oddly enough it wasnt cold at ALL or well at least to my roomie. tried sweatshirts, blankets nothing worked. so here i am with sweatpants, a sweatshirt still shivering my ass off. Finally got the heater to work at least... i think, but its making really really weird creepy noises, like clickin and turning noises, so heres hoping that it doesnt blow up on me or my roomie..... altho it is getttin steadily louder.... o.o

maybe I am going insane.... who knows... gettin sick and steadily insane, figures with my weirdness i get stranger and stranger when im sick... if i am sick at all... altho how else would u explain the shivering.. hmmm.... i wonder
Silver "Dead" Hopeless - 16 years, 1 month, 23 days ago

Doubt anyone will really read this but here's some quotes describing wha I'm feeling at the moment:

That terrible mood of depression of whether it's any good or not is what is known as The Artist's Reward. -Ernest Hemingway

This is what I wonder

"I am in that temper that if I were under water I would scarcely kick to come to the top. -John Keat"

What I think the answer may be:

"There is no perfect solution to depression, nor should there be. And odd as this may sound, we should be glad of that. It keeps us human. -Lesley Hazelton"

What is true about life I believe:

"During depression the world disappears. Language itself. One has nothing to say. Nothing. No small talk, no anecdotes. Nothing can be risked on the board of talk. Because the inner voice is so urgent in its own discourse: How shall I live? How shall I manage the future? Why should I go on? -Kate Millett"

The Most important to me right now:

"Great men suffer hours of depression through introspection and self-doubt. That is why they are great. That is why you will find modesty and humility the characteristics of such men. -Bruce Barton

Thats that I guess.. the end of quotes which describe what I myself cant put into words. But is what I am feeling called depression tho. The emptiness, the not caring, the feeling how everything in life, what we work for what we live for is purely worthless in the long run since we have no idea what may happen to all of us when we reach Death which most people believe is an end rather than a beginning. Would you call it depression? Possible not with what Ive just said but then why is it that I feel this dejection? To whoever reads this and knows me...

You think you know me but you really don't. There are things I hide and things I may never tell to another soul all under lock and key. What you see when Im talking with you is sometimes a front to make it seem like I'm happy with the way things are in my life when really they aren't. Whether anyone will know the whole truth, the psyche, me essentially.... time will only tell I guess....
Silver "Dead" Hopeless - 16 years, 4 months, 19 days ago