GORILLA AND THE REDNECK

A small zoo in Auburn, Alabama obtained a very rare species of
gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to
handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla
was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee
Walton, a redneck part-time worker attending college in Auburn who was
responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks attending
college in Auburn, had little sense but possessed ample ability to
satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was
approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the
gorilla for $500?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept
their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the
lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt
Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about
this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised
Southern Baptist." Once again, it was agreed.

"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come
up with the $500."...




Unknown "~The Captian~" back from the beach - 15 years, 8 months, 4 days ago

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day
of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to
reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of
that Son of a Bitch!'

The priest was clearly offended. 'Son, I'm a priest. Your
language is uncalled for!'

The guide explained to the priest, 'No, Father, that's
what kind of fish it is! It's called a Son of a Bitch
fish!'

'Really?', the priest exclaimed. 'Well then, help me land
this Son of a Bitch!'

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the
monster. ''Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've
ever seen!'

'Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch', the priest said. 'What
should I do with it?'

'Eat it, of course. You've never tasted anything as good
as Son of a Bitch!'



Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary
inquired about his trip.

'Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!' Sister
Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father! Such
language!' The priest said, 'It's okay, Sister. That's
what kind of fish it is. a Son of a Bitch fish!'

Relieved, Sister Mary said, 'Oh! well then what are you
going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?' Sister Mary
informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to
visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a
Bitch for his dinner. 'I'll even clean the Son of a
Bitch', she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

'What are you doing Sister?', the Friar asked.

'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the
new Bishop's dinner.'

Shocked at her coarse language, the Friar said, 'Sister!
I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your
language!'

'No, no, no!', Sister Mary replied. 'It's called a Son of
a Bitch Fish.'

The Friar was surprised. 'Really? Well, in that case,
I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and the fish can
be the main course! Let me know when you've finished
cleaning that Son of a Bitch!'

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was
perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The
wine was fine, and the Son of a Bitch fish was excellent.
Everyone, of course, was nervous about how the new Bishop
would review the meal.

The Bishop said, 'This is great fish! Where did you get
it?'

'I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud
priest.

'And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed Sister
Mary.

The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a Bitch,
using a special recipe!'

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said, 'You
fuckers are my kind of people!'

Unknown "~The Captian~" back from the beach - 15 years, 8 months, 23 days ago

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable
mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever
wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We
have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over
100% . How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer
these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will t a ke you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While
Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you
there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the
top.


'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO
SHOOT THEM'
Unknown "~The Captian~" back from the beach - 15 years, 8 months, 25 days ago

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension



2. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much




4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!





'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.' God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
Unknown "~The Captian~" back from the beach - 15 years, 9 months, 4 days ago

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs, and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting.

'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humo r!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize.

But the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee
Unknown "~The Captian~" back from the beach - 15 years, 9 months, 18 days ago