A submissive discovers, or more properly, realizes and acknowledges that he/she functions AT HIS/HER BEST in relation to another. And the more intimate, holding, containing that relationship, the better they feel and the better they perform in all the important areas of adult life: work, friendships, and parenting. Realizing they are at their best in such relation makes them wonder why they can't do it for themselves? Why do they need such a relationship to accomplish what they should be able to do for themsleves?
So who decides what is considered the highest good. In our society we place highvalue on independence, on "pulling yourself up by the bootstraps", the trailblazer, the less needy and more self sufficient. We value competition over cooperation, tangible achievement over achievement in relationship. We pay big bucks to those who run big corporations, and less to the nursery school teachers, the nurses and the secretaries.
There is something wrong with believing that this kind of independence is the only good. It is especially wrong for the most relatedness-oriented among us, the submissive.
Part of the newly aware submissive's task is to separate out the internalized voices of their culture: those voices that say they are too needy, too dependent, too focused on the others in their life. Once sthey can articulate what those voices tell them, then they can begin to question not THEMSELVES, but the validity of those internalized values, using their own yardstick to measure their own life, rather than our culture's standard.
In understanding typical submissive conflicts, we tend to ask the wrong questions: "are they bad, sick, weak?", when we should be asking, "is there something missing from the yardstick we are using to measure self?"
If one looks at capacity for relatedness as a strength, as a good, then it becomes clear that the submissive has a talent for this, for relatedness. And that seeking a partner who can meet her need for this relatedness is a good thing, a healthy thing.
If we look without the assumptions about what is of "higher" value, we can begin to understand that it is possible for someone to be submissive, and to be healthy. And we can try to imagine what a healthy submissive functions like, and how they developed their adult personality. Let's start backwards, and ask ourselves, what might a healthy adult submissive "look" like, psychologically speaking:
1. The healthy submissive is capable of, and thrives on, intense, intimate, emotionally open relationships. This is often evident in the number of nourishing, sustaining, and life affirming friendships they will make over the years.
2. The healthy submissive is a giver. They often need help to ration themselves because their impulses nearly always lead them to want to do good for others.
3. The healthy submissive is capable of intense joy, especially in the context of a sustaining relationship.
4. The healthy submissive finds significant relaxation when properly related. They are at ease in that place.
5. The healthy submissive has a fluidity of self, a flexibility that enables them to adapt to changing circumstances.
6. The healthy submissive is playful.
7. The healthy submissive takes pride in their accomplishments.
8. The healthy submissive accepts themselves for who they are, knowing that while the culture values independence and self sufficiency, he/she has strong dependency needs and that there is no inherent "wrongness" about those needs.
9. The healthy submissive seeks nourishing relationships.
10. The healthy submissive, in accepting self "as is," is tolerant of others. But neither will they allow anyone to tell them what their truth should be.
11. The healthy submissive has a reasonable self concept, aware of their difficulties as well as their strengths.
12. The healthy submissive hunger is to be the object of an intense and penetrating understanding. When their nature is understood and he/she is held in a loving and firm frame, their devotion is almost limitless. The healthy submissive has an enormous capacity for devotion, from which springs their service.
There is a strength beyond measure in self knowledge and acceptance. There is freedom in jettisoning shame, in letting go of "should's." To know oneself as a submissive, to accept that it is neither the terrible thing that society tells us it is, nor the only right and true way to be for others, is to be free. What is, is.
There are two kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to follow; the strength to control, and the strength to yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked.
Do not mistake following for weakness, for it is not. Do not mistake yielding for weakness, for in yielding there is strength. Do not mistake the submissive's need for relatedness for inability to be alone.
Submissiveness is a strength seeking a proper context.
(adapted from thoughts by Yaldah Tovah)
Unknown "my Keeper" Sleepy
- 16 years, 9 months, 21 days ago
