So here I am. At the lowest fucking point in my whole fucking miserable, pointless life.

And I have no one I can go to. Not my brother. He's my best mate in the world and I can't go to him with this shit.

Not Cathy or Warren. My two oldest friends in the world. I can't dump this shit on them.

Not my newest best friend Bec. Even though in the short time I've known her, she's seen the worsrt of me and still loved me. So why can't I take this to her?

Who else is there? Can't take it to the people from church. What will they think?

And I acn't bring it to my new friends on the internet, because I've been pretending I'm something I'm not to them too.

So where do I go with this? Where do you go when there's no where to go?

My mind is just fucking going insane. I'm going to lose everything.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

So I sit here in the dark being as cryptic as possible, knowing that only Bec and maybe Cathy will have an inkling about what I'm talking about, and hoping that someone, anyone can say something to make it all better.

But knowing those words won't come.

Have you ever felt truely alone? Even lying beside a beautiful woman? A wonderful woman?

Have you ever truely been alone?
Unknown "Big Klutz!®™" Uncertain - 16 years, 5 months, 23 days ago

Stolen from Jessika Rabbit's site:

1.) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.
Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash, Issue #6 – James Kuhoric and Jason Craig
"The vortex is sending them to the deadites’ realm!”

2.) Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What can you reach?
Today’s newspaper.

3.) What is the last thing you watched on TV?
George Shrinks.

4.) Without looking guess what time it is?
2.30pm.

5.) Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
2.10pm.

6.) With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
Hilltop Hoods on the radio.

7.) When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
Four hours ago on my way to work.

8.) Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
Jessika Rabbit’s profile.

9.) What are you wearing?
Work pants and shirt and tie. Black shoes and socks. Blue boxer shorts. That’s about it.

10.) Did you dream last night?
I did dream last night. It was nice and it was sweet (God that was girly).

11.) When did you last laugh?
Just now reading a message from Rose/

12.) What are on the walls you are in?
Aboriginal Paintings.

13.) Seen anything weird lately?
Not lately, no.

14.) What do you think of this quiz?
It’s okay as far as quizzes go.

15.) What was the last film you saw?
Rob Zombie’s Halloween.

16.) If you became a multi-millionaire?
I’d make films.

17.) Tell me something about you that I don’t know?
I got into a fight on Friday night?

18.) If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt and politics, what would it be?
I’d be rid of all government. It’s a long theory that I’ll go into sometime. But I’m tired of people dying for the government to get rich.

19.) Do you like to dance?
I like to try.

20.) George Bush:
One of the main resons for my answer in question 18.

21.) Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Trinity.

22.) Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Hector.

23.) Would you ever consider living abroad?
Maybe. Not overly interested, but if the right opportunity presented itself, I’d go for it.
Unknown "Big Klutz!®™" Uncertain - 16 years, 5 months, 23 days ago

RANDOM THOUGHTS OF A FRUSTRATED NICE GUY!

I think I'm tired of being "the nice guy."

I try so hard to make everyone like me. I be nice and helpful and polite. I bite my tongue when people do or say something stupid. And as a result, I got friends. I got more frinds than I can poke a stick at (and I can poke a stick at a lot of people). I got heaps of friends but not many mates.

I remember years ago, one very special friend, after I nearly flogged another mate at a party, she said "I really saw the old Tim come out for a minute there." Now, coming from this person that meant a lot to me. Not that I had reverted to my thuggish ways for a few minutes. But the fact that, she noticed. She noticed that I had been striving for years to be a better person. She noticed that I had changed and hadn't said a thing. She was happy with the change. She wasn't happy that night when "the old Tim" came out. I don't know if I'm making sense, but it took that slip to realise that my efforts were being noticed.

So here I am, years later. I have been THE NICE GUY again and made a bunch more friends and one more mate. But I'm finding it so hard to be me.

I be the nice guy, but I'm not convinced that's me.

I'm not comfortable at work.

I'm not comfortable with my family (Except my brother. When we get together we still tear shit up).

I'm not comfortable in most of my social circles.

Yeah. I smile and joke, but I just don't fit. All because I've set up this facade and now everyone expects me to be that facade.

Am I a thug at heart? Am I an anarchist? Am I nerd with delusions of grandeur? Am I a nice guy? Am I a horrible person? Am I a user? Am I a leader? Am I a liar? Am I the scum dog of the Universe? Am I a martyr? Am I even real?

I don’t even know any more.

But what I do know is, especially with this new mate I've made, is that it matters to me what she thinks of me. My old friend (from the paragraph above) has seen ALL sides of me. She is one of the few people I can just be me with.

So, is my desire to be an individual, to be more than a number, to be more than a teeny tiny cog in the murder machine outweighed by my need to be liked? My need to be the “go to” guy? My need to be loved?

And these questions are where the frustration comes from.

Unknown "Big Klutz!®™" Uncertain - 16 years, 6 months ago