Back again. when somethng good happens u can pretty much bet that it wont b vey long before im back to tell the world. or just myself how bad things have gotten ever since hope has fallen. im not going into too much detail on this as the wound is fresh and hurts more than anything else has in quite a while. i have just been nicely reminded that trust in other ppl does not turn out well. i actually met someone who was unlike anybody else i have met to date! and i fell for her. placed all my hoped and dreams on a silly dream. but as u can guess from my post it has all been shot down. this is mostly my own fault for once again beign too naive and placing my trust in some one. even with all the warning lights going off in my head. i chose to mute tham all! something i have never done before! can u believe i was so stupid! im just totally amazed i put myself in this position again. i truely cant believe i did this. now i am in ruin. i feel like i can never place trust in anybody ever again. actually gave my heart to some1. hah! im waiting for my heart to come crawling back to me, all maimed and broken. im giving up. i cant go on. im skipping food for today and just going home and seeing if i can get some sleep. i can only hope to go to sleep soon. tho i know the darkness will take form once more and attack me as im lying there just trying to get by. im off to get myself overwhelmed with darkness. and i dont have a choice. wonder if i can survive this one. can u believe i actually wanted to listen to love songs! tomorow is gonna b a dark day, if i live through the night...
Juandre Mellet "Fawkes" Lonely - 15 years, 11 months, 4 days ago

ppl are like buildings, they crumble and fall if left alone for too long. and @ the same time ppl tend to push others away to avoid further pain caused by them. ppl find it hard to trust again after a failed attempt hurt them, regardless of the amount of successful trusts that were given. Ppl are strange things, we consider ourselves @ the top of a world we fail to understand or respect. we fail to see the big picture or realise the significance of the smallest drop of life giving water. We are human
Juandre Mellet "Fawkes" Lonely - 15 years, 11 months, 15 days ago

oh shit oh shit oh shit!

external drive with my anime and manga and everything i hold dear has stopped spinning. i wraped it and put it in freezer, maybe breaking warranty. but @ a shot of saving data its worth it? 160GB of my life, the most important stuff to me.

Its really sad 2 say that, and its really true. all i have to show is on that drive, more or less. Now i am willing to do nearly anything to get that data back.

I am broken and without energy. i feel like all emotion has left me and am just waiting for the bad news. But i should not think like that. i will get my data back! Its all i have!

I wish there was something (someone) who could have taken the role im my life, but as yet there is nobody to hug. I will see wednesday if my data can be saved. and only after that warry about the warranty on drive. for now all i can do is wait... and pray
Juandre Mellet "Fawkes" Lonely - 16 years, 11 days ago

here i am again, life just seems to stay the same with me lately. piss off my friends that try and help, and or just remain close to me. ive reached a new level of pissing peaople off it seems without even really doing anything wrong. well sorta. let me explain. like a possible few of u ppl who read this. doubt alot of ppl read these tho, abyway on with the story.

i played elven blood and got stuck @ a nice u need more party members 2 continue. so i joined a group and blindly accepted like 40 friend invites a day. all okay. except i click accept party requests and friend invites. so i sometimes click group invites by accident. which i mostly pick up on quickly and leave the said groups as fast as i can. now adds the more crappy part of the tale. lately ive decided 2 try and meet anime loving ppl online by searching interests. a friend put me on a good trail, but i didnt figure out how 2 add more criteria yet, and as i only work online @ work i dont get much time 2 explore the options. okay got distracted. anyway...

i chat with some girl who also like anime, which one replied promptly u seem like a nice person, we have similar interists and all, but... i cant stand ppl who belong 2 groups like "fuck budism"... im like.. what?! i didnt join any.. as i looked i saw that i had in fact accidentally joined some messed up group like that, and another group i have no idea what its about. cuz i dont speak whatever language it was written in. i left both groups imidiately and checked my other groups. they are okay. i remember yesterday morning ignoring the "fuck hinduism" group. but sadly the othe hate group slipped through the elven blood group invites. well 2 b fair...

i have 2 admit that im doing the elven blood, city of blood and the other 2 i cant think of right now (all linked) groups so a few things slip through. i replied 2 her that it was an accidental join. but i doubt she will believe me and just ignore me blindly. this sucks in my opinion as i have no way of convincing her otherwise. i also made the bad move of starting with, "u wont believe me, but..." which on reflection is what lying ppl might start with, thus making it seem more likely that im lying. i just suck @ socializing with ppl.

I guess some things just stay the same, i feel im always gonna b stuck in these kind of situations, and not really have a shot at finding something rare and beautiful in the world. to me it all seems like an imperfect concrete civilization where everyone is better off.

i cant help it. really. i have bad voices in the back of my mind that keep reminding meof these things, and after so many years i cant ignore them all the time anymore. i feel afraid that someday they will confince me that they are correct. but till that day know that i intend 2 keep hope.

i can also tell that this day is coming closer. i know its way over half way here. hard 2 tell when its gonna hit. but im sure its not far away. now i know there are alot of pp out here that will try and reasure me that everything is gonna b okay some day. but please remember that im loosing grip here and that someday might b way too late.

i consider myself to b lawful even if it turns out im not. but as long as i believe myself to b lawful i will abide by certain rules. i have a rent contract with some1 4 a year, and tho this friend is yet 2 move in. im pretty much not gonna do some stupid stuff till the end of the contract. provided i keep thinking of myself as lawful. i hope this does not change.

when this friend moves in i hope 2 gain alot of experience through the process and hopefully get the strength to get myself sorted out, but this is a gamble as i could fall deeper into the darkness...

thanks 4 reading this those few that do. u must b ready 2 call the asylum or something. im just hoping... actually mayb the asylum could b fun... nevermind. well let me know of any comments or advice u have 4 me after reading this, thanks
Juandre Mellet "Fawkes" Lonely - 16 years, 17 days ago

Screw that!

I just broke free from the prison in my mind! To the person that locked me up, tho u might not even know who u r, ill miss u greatly but i dont have time 2 try and get ur attension 4 the rest of my life.
Juandre Mellet "Fawkes" Lonely - 16 years, 2 months, 16 days ago